Night write

As usual and everyday, my mind kept thinking about lots of things thats happening in my life and thinking about people around me getting affected with same cause. I usually happen to trying hard to stop my thinking. But today i kinda feeling neutralized. But i want my emotions to roll down and everything thats going on my head get expressed. And there's no one i could share these thoughts. No one who would listen up me and my words. Its not just the night talk, its sth that kept rounding up in my mind all day every hour and now i feel to listen and write down. I couldn't feel much the emotions or attachment but thats how i learnt to resist things. However, i know these things have been collected in the secret jar in the deepest part of my heart and mind. I woild rather say it out loud. Although this may not solve any problem, hopefully i feel some freedom. The things goes like this.

As i am planning to study master in Australia, but things didnt turn out the way i thought or my parents thought. It seemed i have to take a break again in my study unwillingly. I am constantly trying to think it as positive turn. But things arent working out well. I couldnt find a way. Thinking positive i feel a little hope for everything to be good and fine. But life isnt easy at all. I didnt expect it to be that way too. No one gets a handful of joy by just sitting in one corner. That would be injustice for those who work hard. But it wont be justice for them too if things turn against no matter how hard they work for it. Everything has some reason to happen. Its gods plan. He tries to stop u of you are going to wrong direction or if theres sth better that could happen. So always stay faithful and hopeful. I trust u god.

Like always as i tried to write sth down, i start at a point with some intend context and then write in diverse way on a different topic.

I intend to write about the family talk i had today. About my study in Australia. I hv that dream. I want to fulfill it. But i cant see my family suffering. Especially my mum. She is taking a lot more tension and pressure cause of me. Thinking about me, my study, my marriage, my future. She even cried today worrying about it. And i can say anything or do anything cause i dont know what to do. I have nothung in my hand. I am trying to scholarship for financial support of my study. But due my good aggregate marks, i couldnt get any. I dont have genius brilliant academic grades that could give me support. Now in this time, i couldnt even get into college i want. Cause i dont have enough money. We are not rich. No grades and no money. How to continue my study?

Other courses would not help me to develop my career nor take me anywhere in future. I couldnt study totally different course as well which are less in price. And the one which i think i can do and will be beneficial for my career and the one i think from which i can benefit the world is... expensive. Not enough money. No. No.

The clear thought of studying planning in abroad and getting advanced knowledge practically, learn and come back to Nepal and work for the development of my country is becoming fade now. Due to the force of changing priorities. Higher study takes lots of investment and its really a difficult long process to apply and the struggle to settle in abroad. These all makes you change priorities. Society pressure is a different part but is vital to mental you. Its like you have to live in this society so always make them happy and dont ever give them chance to criticise you. Else they wont leave you alone alive.

Talking about me.

Yes, i again have to back off in my study. Again lag behind from my plan. Lag in degree. Lag in marriage. Everything late. Guess i die also late. I dont want to compare me with my friends who successfully studying or gonna study masters. And shockingly and to everyones surprise i am stucked in some financial matter which didnt exist before i apply. It was as if some one is really taking some dreadful revenge from past life. I thought i didnt need luck for this as if everything is done according to requirements. I could really feel my luck has been gone to some vacations recently without prior notice. And i am suffering. Its not no luck. Its bad luck.

I can think it in positive way. This break could turn up very benefical chance for me. I got chance again. So may be i could go on some better plan this time. But its still a lag. That upset me.

More than upsetting me, my mom gets upset. I couldnt see her sad. I dont want to give her any trouble or worries but seems i only add them up. If only i know the way to manage them up. God please take care of her.

Next is m giving up on my love. We dont seem to have future together. I have responsibilities of my career and my family. Like he doesnt put me in his priorities, putting him first would not be fare to me and my family. Our study increased the differences as well. He is my first love. So i am gonna miss him badly. And surely not gonna love other like i do to him. So innocent and pure and no doubt at first sight. Lifes teaching many things. I couldnt stop time pr do anything but let him go and hope for better time ahead.

Back to study, i dont know where to study now. Couldnt find a better option for good course and in affordable fee. No option for europe or US. If and only if i got scholarships, there is chance for my study to continue. Theres always more than a way from anywhere. Yheres gotta be some better way as well in this stage. I got this second chance. Dont want to spoil it. God please be with me. I trust in you.i trust in me. I will do everyhing that needs to be done. Just keep blessing on your child. Thank you.

P.s. Please.. I wish to get 50% scholarship from melbourne school of design to study master in urban planning in Australia in next intake. Please please please.