For Her

I don't know what to say to you for the damage is done...at this point I don't know if anything will make it better for you, especially out of my mouth but I have to try...

I love you, I always have, even at my worst I loved you...you're my child of course I loved you

I never said it because I find it hard to say to people, ask my other kids, I don't tell them unless it's a text message, never face to face

I find it easier to say at a distance so you're not being singled out there I'm the same with everyone

You know my mother used to say it to me and I used to get embarrassed and so she said to me once, "why don't you ever say it back? "

I couldn't answer her at the time but I managed to tell her about 10 mins before she died and she said "I know you do girl"

It was the only time she had ever heard those words out of my mouth but it took the fact that she was dying for me to say it to her

I am a very messed up person in alot of ways and since you have came back into my life, you're always on my mind but I can't find the words to make it better for you...i really cant...and I know they should be words of love and comfort and remorse but I don't feel it deep in my heart like I should

It's not your fault, and maybe it's because I associate you with pain that I've killed the feelings that I should have for you as your mother...or maybe I don't deserve the right to say anything to you because of what I've done to you

I'm trying to be as honest as I can from what I remember and all I keep coming back to is just so much anger and overwhelming grief I was feeling at that time and I just took it out on you

I am soo so sorry for all of it and I can't remember but one time when I pulled your hair but I remember the fear on your face at the time and that face keeps flashing in my mind since I've remembered it

I'm a despicable person and I really don't deserve kids but I do love each and every one of you...there is no excusing the way I treated you, I am ashamed of myself and really ashamed that I forgot what I'd done to you

I struggle to find the words that will make a difference to your life, that will maybe ease some of the pain for you...partly because I don't think I'm worthy of any words when it comes to you...there's really nothing I can say that justifies what I've done so I just back off

I know your waiting very impatiently for this comment and even now it's not worth posting but it is honest and I owe you that much at least

I'm not looking for forgiveness or anything else I write this solely for you and your journey of healing though I know it's not nearly good enough to be accepted, it is truly the best Im capable of right now.

If I were you, I would just forget about me because I'm really not worthy to be called your mother...mothers are supposed to be loving and supportive and always there for their children but I'm sadly severely lacking in that department

I don't want you to hate me because it won't be good for you to live your life in hate.

Don't be like me

I've spent so much of my life angry and hateful and my kids have bore the brunt of my emotional instabilities

I wish I was like mothers are supposed to be...kind...loving...patient...as my own mother was to me but I'm just not capable of it...i have tried over the years to change the way I am but I fail every time...my past really has messed me up and I truly believe I can never be the person I was before that happened and before her death

2 things that have messed up the rest of my life and my kids sadly do not have a deserving person for a mother

You must know that you're not the only one who has suffered....in different ways all of you have suffered through my hands and I live with my actions every second of every day and yes if I tried, I mean REALLY tried harder to be a better mother I know that I probably could be but a big part of me doesn't want to be like my own mother because I don't want any of you getting too close or loving me the way I did her because if I ever died I DONT ever want any of my kids to go through this same agony for the rest of their lives because seriously its the worst crippling pain a person or child can experience in the their life...to lose the only one who ever loved them and have no other family support...i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy I really wouldn't so I don't try to be a better mother for any of you....i would even rather push yous further away just to save the heartache if I ever did die

I never told anybody that and as messed up as I know it is the logic in my mind i know is right.

But none of this is really relevant towards you and me but it is relevant to me and how certain things in my past influences probably the most important of my life experiences...such as having kids and never getting married, the way I hate people and am angry at everything

I've really messed up my life because I've let the past control me and reign terror not just in my kids lives but also my own

I really do believe there is nothing left inside me or for me to make a positive difference to anyone's lif and for mainly that reason I wish for death...and although some horrific injustices have been done to me in my life (that I can't speak of) it still is no excuse for not giving my kids what every kid deserves, a loving mother and a a happy, stable environment in which to grow up in and for that, if nothing else, I am deeply deeply sorry.

Be unlike myself. I hope in some way this helps you to heal and make a better, more happy life with which to live.

I wish you the best possible life for you and if it is to be with him, then you have my blessing, both of you do

I love you Coby

xx