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When I was about 12, that’s when I pretty much realized I liked girls. I immediately started telling myself it was nothing. I tried to push those feelings away. It was about a year ago that I had my first boyfriend. I was so nervous when he leaned over to kiss me for the first time, but during the actual kiss, I felt.. well.. nothing. They tell you coming out to people is the hardest part. Well, they’re wrong. Coming out to YOURSELF is the hardest part. It was only a few months ago that I came out to myself. I am now 17, so I’ve been lying to myself for about 5 years. So.. what made me admit to myself I was gay? You’re probably asking. It was about six months ago. I had this friend from school who had a friend. There were a few times when I was talking to this friend of mine and her other friend was there too. I started talking with this girl, and WOW. she was perfect. No one is perfect, but I swear, I couldn’t think of anything bad about this girl. Every time made eye contact she would smile at me, and she had this beautiful smile. The kind of smile that makes her eyes smile too. The kind of smile that makes your heart stop for a second. She was so beautiful. And you can’t imagine how hard I tried to find just one flaw in this girl, but really, nothing. She is so good to people. She always knows what to say. She is so smart, a straight A’s student. She is so considerate of others. She is just a really good person. She is also probably the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. She lives right near me and every time I walk past her house I just hope I get to see her. I never thought I would meet a person that amazing. It was a dream come true. And SHE is what made me “come out to myself”. After all those little crushes I tried to ignore throughout the years, she was the one who made me realize being gay wasn’t a bad thing. Because being gay means letting myself fall in love with her, which gives me a really good reason to wake up in the morning and being excited from going to school. Ever since I realized I’m in love with her, I started liking being gay. I couldn’t imagine not loving her. She is amazing. I finally let my self watch coming out video and listen to stories, which wad really scary for me before. But of course, everything I just said sounds too perfect. Of course, she is straight. And I knew it all the way.. it’s just that I really hoped she wasn’t. I always had this thought in my mind - what if she is actually going through what I went through, and she likes girls even though she had a boyfriend? What if she is lying to herself? Just like I did? Clinging on that was.. not very smart. I knew my heart would probably break. So, I immediately tried to get this girl out of my mind. But I couldn’t. I think about her all the time. I picture us together. I want to forget about her so much but I also love her so much and it really hurts. Besides, we’re friends. We talk a few times a week, but not face to face. And that point in this story is where I’m at right now. I can’t get this beautiful, amazing girl out of my mind and I’ve tried everything. But she loves boys. And even if she liked girls it wouldn’t work. I’m way out of her league. Being in this position hurts so bad. She makes me so happy but I just know I’m setting my heart to break. What the hell do I do now?
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ReplyI know exactly what this is like...exactly. I fell in love with my best friend which was a torturous nightmare. I ended up telling her and our friendship eventually fell apart and was never the same again but that's just my experience. It hurt like hell but it got better. I now have the best group of friends who I'd never have met without all of it happening. Please know that even though it feels like your life is falling apart right now and you will never feel this way about anyone else again, you will. YOU WILL. It seems stupid now but it just takes time. It does get easier eventually, until you don't think about her every waking second. Be strong because one day there will be a girl who deserves all of your love and who gives you more than you could've ever hoped for. I wish you all the best. I'm also really proud of you for coming out to yourself. I'm 18 and the road hasn't been easy but it's worth it because lez face it lol, girls are pretty darn amazing ;)
Love a fellow struggling Aussie gay girl xxx
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