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Yesterday was my birthday dinner which was fun and after I slept in my sisters bed because my mattress is about to get deep cleaned. After I took my shower I hopped in her bed, but she was downstairs taking her shower after me. I fell asleep watching Friends, and for some odd reason woke up at 3 am. (that literally never happens). I'm a deep sleeper and NEVER wake up in the middle of the night UNLESS i have stomach cramps/pains, noise or I'm too hot/cold. In this case, immediately after waking up, I knew the thing that had woke me up: noise. Another thing I noticed upon waking up was that my sister wasn't in the bed... But it was 3 in the morning? At this point, I'm very confused... I also accidentally knocked over the raspberry tea I was drinking before bed so I figured I wash the sheets and then go back to bed after they were done. So i stripped the bed and put the sheets in the wash. Curiosity got the best of me and I had time to kill, so as I was about to walk into the living room just to make a quick appearance like hey wasssup!, where I heard the voices of my sister, my dad and his girlfriend, until i listened to what they were saying. Sister: "She's controlling and just like mom" "i guess I just have to put up with her and her attitude" "I was doing her hair and she was like 'IM NOT A DOG?!? (because it hurt but that's not the exact context in which it was said)' " "she's gonna have a hard time finding a boyfriend with the way she acts" Dad's girlfriend: "She don't even know how to hug right?!" Dad: "She *tried* to do everything right, yet falls short every time" (that hurt)
Okay let me break it down... im trying to simplify this story, but for clarification i brought the sheets down and put them in the wash but I wasn't planning on going in there because I was gonna go lay down upstairs, but as I was making a glass of water that's when I listened and my sister said the quote above about doing my hair and me saying "im not a dog".. and I was like oh, whatever. I did end up going upstairs, but I had to change out the sheets and I ended up doing 3 loads... But basically every time I came downstairs the comments got increasingly worse... The quotes above are the ones i keep replaying in my head. Mind you, we had just gotten back from my BIRTHDAY DINNER. please help me, wow.
SO as I was bringing the LAST load up (which was the comforter), my dad emerged from the living room and we looked at each other and I was about to say something that was probably gonna keep us up all night: "So did you guys have a nice chat about me?" But i honestly.... like when you say something confrontational to any human really, it could be a lengthy conversation and at this point it was 430..
I havent said anything all today to my dad or my sister (his girlfriend left when I was gone from the house volunteering)
But like... honestly I prayed to Jesus about it when I went volunteer this morning, and I just ... I think he wants me to do what he would do.. But I'm not sure what Jesus would do..
Like I haven't given subtle hints or large hints that I know anything.. except for when I brought the comforter up so i could finally go to bed, and right when I got in my sister came in, and I was really uncomfortable because she was just gossiping about me so I got up and left and she asked me "what are you doing up so late?" and I was like "oh I heard yall downstairs and it woke me up" but like she looked slightly guilty but didn't want to act like i knew because yeah that would be bad for her, so she was just like oh okay. like i felt her mind go "did she hear us?" but decided that I didn't
I need advice on what to do basically. Thanks
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I don't know them
But i think they love you enough to understand it was in poor taste and maybe your hard to confront
You could be mad or a Lil hurt but what's the point
Life changes happen every day good luck
ReplyI guess now you know their real faces, so basically you know who to trust
ReplyYou are human. A daughter. A sister. Your title in life is hopefully not "spy"--unless your deepest desire is to want to be a spy or infiltrator of private conversations!
This is a situation where honesty and being above it all by you can be both positive and put you in a position for admiration.
I would suggest you INDIVIDUALLY sit down with your dad, his girlfriend, and your sister. Don't start with the fact you accidentally overheard them discussing things about you. You don't ( and shouldn't) have to go into a detailed discourse or even get into the grit of what was so hurtfully mentioned. You all already know what they said.
The higher ground for you to take is to start out by saying something about how much you love and care for them. Let them know how they each matter to you. That you want as individuals and as family to be supportive and helpful to each other. Just your own thoughts on why you do cherish them.
Then just say without getting too emotional (if you can) (so that the topic of conversation focuses upon the message you are trying to send) that in passing you heard them saying things about you.
You don't have to get into the details of what you heard; in fact, I'd recommend not giving them any detailed information. (You don't want to get into a protracted debate over what you heard versus what they said.) Instead, just mention you heard them saying some things about you last night.
They might ask you what you heard. They might even be alarmed. Instead of telling them what you heard, say something to the effect of "I think it's pretty clear what you all were talking about me yesterday. There's no reason to go over it again." (It keeps you in the power seat of not having to get cross-examined and refuted.)
Tell them you feel "kind of disappointed" (a good word instead of words like "angry" or "sad"--which play more to the emotional game of how they are behaving) they didn't just come to you with their complaints or concerns. Remind them how you are in a position of maturity and responsibility, that if there is something about your behavior or actions they are not happy with to just tell you directly. They don't need to gossip or whine, cry or complain. They don't have to suffer in silence or best ariubdcthe bush. You are a big girl. You can (hopefully!) address their concerns directly. Keep the discussion light, positive, and productive.
Sometimes people at this point try to turn your encouragements into a finger pointing game, or bring up an anecdotal time where you didn't behave as the way you are encouraging them to respond. Again, don't get stuck in the mud and mire of "he said/she said discussions. Keep it short, simple, and sweet: say the past is the past. We all can't change that. All we can do is deal with the present and hopefully see a better future.
Tell them your concern again is not about what happened earlier or before, but how to make things better now. Always try to take what is called 'the higher ground'--your willingness to move on and not quibble over minutiae and trivial matters. Keep it forward directed, to the big picture, by saying you would appreciate being treated your age. You acknowledge you are not perfect (trying to seek common ground too) but you are willing to hear their issues and try to address them. "It's difficult for me to address a problem if I don't know what it is." It also makes it easier for your dad, his girlfriend, and your sister when they tell you directly instead of just talking amongst each other. Make your tone positive, cheerful, and upbeat.
I'd encourage setting up a one-on-one time with each person so you can go over their concerns. (A 3 against one may feel a bit overpowering, especially when three voices are coming at you at once!) Bring a notepad, write down their issues so you can show you are listening and learning. After they list their concerns let each of them know you want some time to process what they each said. Tell them you you might need some thinking time to go over everything (unless it's really easy solutions for you!) (Rome wasn't built in a day!)
Get back with them individually to see if the solutions you came up with would work out to your mutual satisfaction. Set up a plan of action with each. Keep it simple and positive outcome focused. Let them know how you can measure if what they would like to see done is accomplished to their satisfaction.
I know this is a lot of stuff. Lay out your game plan on a notepad so you can follow these or other steps you choose to take when you meet. Having a notepad and pencil shows this is something important to you to resolve.
Also, know conversations are ever-changing. People might not want to go with your action plan or script. That's okay. The big thing is that if people have problems they need to come up with practical workable solutions everyone can live with!
I think your family will appreciate you are responding with grace, maturity, sensitivity, and compassion. Through it all, bring praise and encouragement to your family. No family is perfect. It's a daily effort of hoping to make it a more loving, close, and better family! And know finally in the end it is your love for them that they long to know!
ReplyThis is such great advice!!! Thank you so much!!!! I'm going to follow up on everything you suggested, I agree with everything you said and agree that I should go about it in a calm and mature way and taking the higher ground!! Thank you for reading my issue and taking the time to write this! xx
ReplyWhat would Jesus do? Simple. Just do what you know in your heart is right. Doesn't matter what it is as long as it's right and true.
ReplyJesus would turn the other cheek. Not only that, but show them love. Kill them with kindness. It might not be easy, but do it anyways.
Reply