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This is my first time writing on here, so I’m kinda winging it. I feel...not quite depressed more full of self loathing. It’s beenawhile since I have felt this way. I’ve been doing really well for the last half year. I no longer wish that I had succeeded killing myself. I’m not happy that I’m alive, but I have no plans to kill myself. But I used to cut and burn myself where no one could see. I can recall the last time I’ve had that feeling, until now. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. I know it stems from my feeling of being utterly alone. But I’ve been able to move out from that mind set before. But none of my coping mechanisms have helped. Or they were not an option. I’m home alone for the night. My parents won’t be back till tomorrow afternoon. My only friend is out of service, but even if she wasn’t, lately she hasn’t been there for me. She hasn’t been there for me for a long time now actually. I try not to let the lonely feeling get to me. I can’t seem to push it away right now. I hate myself so much. It’s my fault for being alone, right? I can hear all the words that have put me down rolling in my head. “You should exercise., You need to lose weight if you want guys to notice you. You need to be more bubbly. Act more girly. Don’t be yourself when you first meet people.” All the words that my mom has said to me. Her way of trying to help me. All it does is hate myself. I hate how I look. How I talk. How I act. My personality. I hate me. I feel worthless. I’m behind in school because of my depression and suicide attempt. I can’t seem to do anything right. I’m always doing something wrong I’m always upsetting someone. I don’t want this life. I never asked for it. I didn’t choose to be born. What I hate myself the most right now for though? I really want someone to wrap me in their arms and tell me everything is gonna be ok. This will pass. I want someone I can trust to give me hope.
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I'm sorry life is beating you down. I really am. Life sucks more often then it's great but does that mean life isnt worth living? Of course not. I know you haven't mentioned it, but I wanted to say so.
I'm glad you're here. I can hear your story and know you're in a tough spot, and to me it means I have a chance to make an impact on someone. So please stick around, a painting isn't perfect without every color.
You're mum has the best intentions and I can see that. But I really have to disagree with the not being yourself bit. You'll never be happy with friends who think you're someone else. There's a reason people have "true friends" and that's cuz those are friends who enjoy you being you. Never stop being you, you're a diamond in a rhinestone world.
You struggle, that's not a bad thing. Struggling implies that effort is involved and as long as you keep trying ill never stop rooting for you. Ill be a shoulder if you ever need it. This site is full of people who want to be a shoulder so never be afraid to express yourself. Know that you're never alone.
Ill end this and say if you're stuck in a dark place, be brave and reach out. We'll be here to fight thw dark with you in mind.
Cheers and chin up, you are not alone
Blessings of the moon on your journey
ReplyI can't wrap you in my arms, but I can tell you that everything is going to be ok. When I felt like this a few years ago, I realized that I was waiting for someone to help me change for the better. Life is difficult, and sometimes you need to be the one motivating yourself. Being alone is not bad at all, and actually, it can help you get a few steps closer to fully loving yourself. My mother is the same. She will never forget to remind me of what I am not. But today, after contemplating suicide two years ago, I can assure you that things will get better. It is so incredibly important to set goals for yourself and make changes. You do not need to prove anything to anyone else except yourself. You are meant to be alive, and you are meant to make the most out of your life. For me, going to the gym is what made me much happier. The endorphins that come make me feel complete and I can forget about life's troubles for an hour or two. I hope that you can find some activity that will make you equally as happy, because you deserve to it. I wish you well :)
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