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Nobody told me how hard it is to make sense of everything around me. People will ask, before i graduate,"When is the graduation?" "It has been 6 years now, Why did it take that long?" "Your course isn't that difficult, right?A bit of drawing here and there". I felt the need to graduate,i felt the need to finish school , find a job and get my life together. Then i finished my thesis/dissertation and had 3 units left. And yet i still don't see myself graduating. I feel as if it's unreachable. Out of my radar. Then the time came, 0 unit left. Still i had no excitement,i only had fear, doubt and denial. That i don't deserve to have the number 0. Here comes the requirements for graduating. Getting important papers signed, did that, fitting for the graduation Toga, signed a paper where the names of the graduates are in and surprised that my name is included, did that and still i felt nothing, i felt it's still unreachable. This is 2 days before my graduation. I finally got the guts to tell my parents then my family that i'm finally graduating. 2 days before that i still felt that its out of my reach. The day before my graduation,i told my entire family, uncles, aunties, cousins. Still, i feel nothing. Finally the day of my graduation, told my friends about it. Most of them were upset that i didnt tell them sooner because weve discussed that they will come to my graduation. On my way to my graduation. Nervous as hell, i kept repeating situation in my head that while on my way to stage someone will tap my shoulder and tell me "Sorry ,u are not on the list of graduates". Kept repeating it in my head,to keep me calm and collective. Didnt work. Finally got to the venue. Arrived 3 minutes before the start of the event. Toga on me, lining up to walk to our seat, nothing, doubt and denial lingers on me. Sat and waited for my colleagues and i's turn. As i sat ,i still can't stop feeling what i'm feeling. My friend who's also graduating, waved and smiled. I smiled and waved back. Heaviness in my chest, uneasy feeling kicking. Then it was our turn, fall in line next to the stage, as i look to the crowd,i saw my mom,dad and sister waved and gestures me to wave back to the camera. I did. Saw another friend, congratulated him and told him "This is it,finally". Even though my heart is telling me i don't deserve this. It was finally my turn to go up to the stage. As i walk up the stairs and heard my mom yelled "Go!Ate!(my nickame,it's Big Sister in tagalog). I smiled and felt that i did it,finally my parents will no longer work and pay for my tuition. As i shook the hand of the Dean and grabbed a fake diploma, for a second i felt, something that i never felt to my journey here. Then the flashes of the cameras flash through my eyes, i went down the stairs and the new feeling went away. Even in that split second, i felt that i did it. Walking back to my seat, the feeling of emptiness lingers right back. Heaviness in my chest, doubts ,denial, and cannot wait for this ceremony to end.Seconds from ending, the obvious thing to do, sing the university anthem. Don't know the words,read and sang it from the prompter infront above the stage. Ceremony ended, took pictures with my collegues, reunited with my family, took more pictures. We ate, had dinner and went home. I'ts not even a feeling of an achievement. it's more of "just cause". I'm absolutely grateful for the sacrifice and the work of my parents, definitely, the only things is i still feel empty. I don't know why. Cried at night and ask why me,i know i don't deserved it,i feel like i had a free pass,somehow. By crying the feeling of heaviness lessen. That's my cure or my way of negotiating to what im feeling that i want to feel light just even for a few minutes. Then when i feel heavy again, i cry my eyes out, repeat.
I recently graduated from college last May year 2018. I am 23 years old and i studied Multimedia Arts and Sciences. Passed my resume's to company's and up to now, nothing. I got some reply sure, however it doesnt help at all. It's been 3 months since the graduation. Still feel the same. Empty. Am i not grateful? Am i worthless?I feel the need to study more to lessen what im feeling. Or maybe to disguise that,i really don't deserve to get out of college. As i sit here and type this, heaviness,doubt,fear,denial,and the feeling of worthlessness that i've been sleeping all day. And not doing anything. The only productive thing that i did is to get up and eat lunch,dinner and take a bath. Why do i feel this way? I know that i somehow did deserve it, although i feel i dont, as i look at my parents and how they have told me to look for a job, i tell them i am looking. I am,it's just that,nothing,no reply. I honestly have to write down to do something,edit a video just to be a little productive than i am. I honestly feel shit. I do. A fucking garbage, As my eyes fill with tears,i know why this happens because i'm telling what i feel. There is no one here that i can talk to. I'm the kind of person that makes everyone laugh,smile and be ridiculously happy all the time even though i know i don't. Its a fucking lie. It's a disguise. But i have to, i will be crush to see my parents learning how i feel, and seeing there eyes water and ask why? "Are we not enough?" "Didnt we give what u wanted,what u needed". I just can't be honest right now, Not ever. I hope to feel better and i know the only things that will make that happen is if i find a job, help out my parents ,pay for the bills, and work. Even though that is not a guarantee ,ill take it. I would rather feel this way than make them feel sad for me. Feel as if they were not enough. And i can't live if that is to happen. I hope to get better. I do. Bu right now,i don't.
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