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In the beginning of my pregnancy, everything was great. I had little sickness, but the pregnancy was smooth. Until 35weeks, I went into labor and delivery (we were stationed in japan, the base was having an exercise so the obgyn was closed) to tell them I was having issues with itchiness mostly at night. Now being blissfully unaware, I didn't realize this was a serious issue. I had colostasis in pregnancy, what that means is my liver wasn't filtering bile properly, it could suddenly end my pregnancy. The doctor said if you were 36 weeks we would induce you today.
Flash forward a week, induction started, had dreams of having a natural birth, dispite the induction, made it to 5cm dialated before they broke my water, pictocin wasn't working. After they broke my water went from bad to worse. They then realized I was carrying too much water, they started doing stuff to drain it faster. Then the cord, my babies life line started being crushed by her head when I contracted. So the put water back in to try and get enough pressure off the cord, it didn't work. They then tried moving the cord out of the way, and ladies (and/or gents) the feeling of the doctors short fingers trying to get all the way back (my cervics is far back apparently) to my cervics was the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my life, I started going into shock. Then it got even worse, the cord prolapsed (came out before the head) . This is a serious medical emergency now, she could die any second. The next thing I know I'm being rolled down a small hallway,lined with the entire hospital staff that could be there, into the OR room, as they prepare for an emergency csection. I'm knocked out.
I wake up to my doula, my husband and nurses, no baby. They tell me she cannot come to the room because she has to be on oxygen. I instantly try to walk, so I can go see her. I'm able to go see her for maybe 5 minutes before I start feeling like I'm gonna vomit, so I have to go back to my room. It was around noon. I tried again at I assume around 1. I was able to hold her this time, best 10 minutes of my life. They tell me they hope to get her off oxygen so she can join me later that night. She never joined me in the room. At 5pm they rushed her to a hospital an hour away. The hospital I was in doesn't have a nicu. She was unable to be weaned off oxygen. That was on Thursday I didn't see my baby again till Saturday afternoon.
She remained in the nicu for 2 weeks, during that time we were told that she has holes in her heart, which caused the issues with her oxygen. For 2 weeks we traveled an hour to and from to see her for just a few hours, emotionally we were just glad she was alive. At the end of the two weeks we finally got to bring her home, we were absolutely terrified. We bought an owlett monitor, so we could better monitor her breathing. We learned while she was in the hospital that we would have to move, because of her health. She came home mid October we moved December 27th.
A 36hour move from Japan to the states, with 5 bags of luggage, 1 'medium' (15lbs) and one 'large' (30lbs) size dog, and a 3month old. The longest trip of my life, just a side note when pumping on a plane, no one can hear the pump. My daughter did so well, she cried once on the last plane, but we quickly got her quieted down. By the time we got to the hotel we (my husband and I) were running on fumes. We hadn't slept much the whole trip, I'm not sure about him, but I maybe got 4 hours of sleep for the 36 hours we spent traveling.
Fast forward again, because of our insurance we were at our new base about a month before we finally got her in to see a cardiologist. The hole in the top part of her heart (ASD) had closed, the bottom (VSD) was now two holes, and one of her arteries pumping blood to her body was narrow, but there was nothing the doc would do about that, since it was not effecting her, just like everything else it was added to the list of let's watch and see. At this point we were thankful it seemed like life was turning around. My husband was almost finished with school and was working hard trying to get accepted into officer training school, things were looking better.
Months came and went she continued to grow, 8months came, she had her next cardiology appointment. She was down to just one hole, and her artery was doing better too. We started to celebrate, our hopes of getting stationed over seas again seemed to look brighter. At this point my husband had gotten accepted into officer training school, however he's still doing school.
Then came her 9month wellness check up. Now before I begin, the 'doctor' is a nurse practitioner, and we have not had luck with the pediatric docs in the military, they tend to jump the gun and freak a new mom out every time they think anything is abnormal (which 100% of the time they have been wrong, at least in our case). Also in between her being born and us moving to the states, she caught the flu at 2months, and RSV at 4months, which had her admitted into the hospital for another week. She is developmentally behind.
The 'doctor' thinks she has down syndrome now. Now I know it's not the worse thing ever, I should be happy she's alive, do not misconstrue my emotions. I was upset, I cried the whole morning. Now I get on Facebook and I think why me when I see every other one of my friends with their happy babies, passing mine developmentally, it's upsetting, no it's not right, hints why I'm weighting this. I feel like a little girl throwing a fit because things didn't go my way.
while I am so glad my friends have healthy babies, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it takes time to accept it and not be so angry at life. I love my daughter to death, even now as her yelling (not crying just testing her voice) echoes through my house. Nor would I trade her for anything. Here's to healing and hopefully holding onto less resentment. Thank y'all for reading.
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You're story made me cry, I'm so sorry for all the heartache you've gone through. You're allowed to be angry, doesn't change how much you love your baby girl. I really hope things get better. Hope your little one gets through the challenges that come her way, she sounds like a fighter.
Good luck for the future.
ReplyThank you, she has been such a strong little girl, despite the challenges she is the biggest blessing in my life. She keeps me pushing on when I think I can't go anyfarther.
ReplyHonestly i have no words of advice. I just admire you and your husband for being able to endure all this. I once read that special children are only given to special people, i believe so too.
ReplyThank you, some days are harder than others. The good times are magical but the bad times sure just break you down.
Reply