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I never knew it would go this far for me, nor did I even realize how much earlier it had started. In fact, it might be safe to say that it was way before that meet- I just didn’t know it yet. I like to think that I started liking you (as more than a friend) when **** and *** brought you up to me. Thing was, I didn’t know you as well as I do now, but I felt like I knew enough based on your kindness, weirdness, and sense of humor, in order even fathom such a pairing. Besides, if I were to have dated you earlier, that’s what the whole dating thing is about: getting to know better the person you like...right? Nonetheless, I declined. Again, it wasn’t because of your looks or your personality- neither of those bother me, I actually like those factors about you- but I just wasn’t (still not) relationship-ready.
Since that event, you set a spot in the back of my mind. There, you weren’t an issue nor were you distracting me, but you were there, and I was aware of it. However, little by little, it was being pulled out of there, and you were beginning to enter my thoughts a bit more at a time. The first move was at the first indoor meet. I was sitting alone, and you came to sit by me. This immediately made me a bit uncomfortable, because although I wasn’t sure if they were, but I could feel that **** and *** were eyeing us, secretly shipping us. I didn’t want to shoo you away, because it wasn’t that I disliked you, but I did dislike the way it came off and a wrong impression of us would’ve been bad. To my surprise though, I can say I enjoyed our first long conversation, even if awkward. I’m just naturally shy and awkward, so making a good conversation is tough. I’m much better at small talk, enough to where someone can leave me on good closure and return to their best friend or whatever, but you seemed interested in going on, and I didn’t really know how. All I could think of was how you could’ve been with anyone else- *****, ****, ****- but here you were, picking my brain; leaving me to ask, “Why?”
I dismissed this one day, assuming it to be your last, that you were just being nice and maybe you caught the hints that I didn’t like you; I even made my answers to you completely honest because I figured they’d bore you, and hopefully you’d realize that I may not exactly be your type. But then, there came the day we went to that Staten Island meet. That meet was the worst meet of my sophomore year- regardless of the slight personal record accomplishment. On the bus ride home, you came to sit by me. I was in no mood to talk- if anything, I was borderline hostile; **** was the smartest that day to play it safe and keep conversation at a minimum. Although, granted, he was the only one who saw my silent attitude when we were unlacing our spikes.
You, however, were as question-ful as you tend to be. I wanted to yell, I wanted to hit something, I wanted to be alone. But once again, it felt like your caring nature was rinsing out my spite of the race. In our conversation about me wanting to be an Olympian, and me giving a speech, I said I may even credit you in that speech...I have no idea why I said that, the last thing I wanted was to give you the impression I liked you and this was my horrid way of flirting with you somehow. I remember ***** was in front of us, and if he did hear that, I’m sure he even puked. But, on the other hand, as weird as they sounded out loud, those words had some truth. I think they made sense somewhere, but I couldn’t pinpoint how. The same weird feeling came when I told you I was tired, and you got the impression that I was going to nap and I wanted you gone. You got up and said you’ll let me sleep, but I stopped you, and said it was fine…But, when I stopped you, it wasn’t because I was correcting myself for sounding rude, but something inside me desired your presence, and I didn’t realize it until that moment. Then when you came back I felt better, and even if it did look weird from outside of our eyes, I didn’t feel uncomfortable like before.
I think we talked the whole bus ride, and in that time, I was beginning to understand you more, which wasn’t expected, because you were the one trying to get to know me. I also remember we sat really close, likely to be able to hear one another while we spoke low for the nearby sleepers, but it set off (yet another) unexpected emotion in me. It was apparent to me that I was growing fond of you, because for some reason, I wanted to kiss you before we got out of our seats. It was a random imagination that I immediately shot down because of how ridiculous it seemed. I suppose it was because our final moments subconsciously triggered a similar memory I had with ****; we were on a bus, and we were talking close, and I chose to kiss her. Thank goodness we were almost on campus, because I probably would’ve wound up saying something stupid!
This memory always comes to mind when I think of where I started having feelings for you, and while it is technically correct, I often think otherwise because at the time, I still couldn’t bring myself to say “I really like ********,” because I just wouldn’t believe it. As time passed, you approached me less at meets. I don’t know why, maybe you lost interest in me or maybe you didn’t want to show you liked me either- regardless, I was convinced I no longer had to worry about you liking me anymore. Months pass, *** is still trying to set me up with you, I give the same answer, yada-yada, and then an oh so special day came!
One Friday, I was in my cozy little lounge on campus, digesting my lunch while waiting for practice, and you decided to stop by since you had nothing better to do. I’m not exactly sure what happened, but we went from small-talk in the beginning to what was a good 2-3 hours of talking. We mainly talked about past relationships and the values we seek in one. In the midst of it, my mom called and you almost left to let us speak. As soon as I saw you packing, that same instinct that called you back to sit with me from the bus ride, came back and made me cut my conversation with Mom.
Successfully, you stood, and we continued for the next hour or so. I had a set time to leave to go to rehab, but I was so into our conversation, I kept extending it, up until the point where I didn’t have time for rehab, but did have time to change clothes. For once in a very long time (since *****), I was really enjoying and sustaining a long conversation. Difference was, our topic was more appropriate for people who may have liked each other. At this point, it was already clear to me that you liked me- but the discovery I made on that day was the realization of how genuine and real you are. Your qualities, your values, and expectations in a relationship were things I believed I would never find in a potential partner, especially in this era.
When we split ways to carry on with our routines, I couldn’t help but think about you- and with that, I could not stop smiling. I caught myself and tried to convince myself that I shouldn’t get too close to you, because I will wind up hurting myself as much as I could hurt you should you ever confess your rumored feelings for me. But, I was still eagerly looking forward to the next time we meet again.
Then, came the meet at *************...It was a nice day; nice weather, I PR’d with an injury, I could relax all day, and I was going to see “Avengers 3” that night. All was well, until you had the courage to ask me out. I wanted to laugh at first, but I realized you were serious...I honestly had no clue how to answer. After that Friday we spoke, I was really curious to know what future of “us” would look like. A huge part of me wanted to say “Yes!” But, I couldn’t. I was fighting with myself, and ultimately, declining the offer was my best option…
And even though we were supposedly on good terms after that day, it was most certainly still awkward- and I was secretly in ABSOLUTE pain…“Pain.” You know what that means now. “Sacrifice,” you know what it is now. Do you remember the pain I told you that I go through? How I couldn’t tell you what it was? That if I did, you would not see me the same? I know deep down inside, me not telling you this secret was bothering you, but I’m telling you now that that pain that was growing and eating at me, was because of you. The week of Champs- right after *************- was the worst. I know I texted you that night and explained myself better to you, and you thanked me for my honesty. But, I couldn’t help but feel like the damage I tried to avoid this entire time was ultimately done anyway. That whole week, I just was desperate for solace, a better closure. I wanted to see you again, to make sure we can still meet eye-to-eye and talk like the same friends as before, like we agreed to. It was Finals week though, so our schedules were a bit off. My biggest fear was not being able to see you until XC Pre-Season, and the last memory we’d have is of *************, and I don’t think we would’ve picked up well. But the biggest question that you left me with was, “What’s wrong with me?” I wondered this, because I remember that one Friday we were talking, you said you like to date guys you can try to fix...What did you see in me to fix?...
Anyway, the pain I felt scared me; it was mental, emotional, and even physical- I had really bad stomach aches. I was so hurt, because I could not help but feel like that this sacrifice I made for the sake of my future, would only make me colder, sadder...and for once, lonelier. I embrace being alone, it’s evident when I keep retreating to my favorite lounge at the end of the day! But this loneliness was beyond that, it was derived from my desire for companionship, a desire I did not want to reawaken, but it was clearly able to wake itself again, in regards to you.
I knew Champs would’ve been my last chance to see you, but that wasn’t dependable, because I didn’t know if you’d even be there. So, since I was the idiot who decided to break our hope, I decided to break the ice. That was when I sent you that video of the guy going through the “8 Stages of running a marathon.” By doing that, I could establish the fact that I saw you no different and that I am willing to continue being your friend. Thankfully, you responded, and we talked for a bit. I believe we did the next day too, and now I felt a lot better. CSACs was the true test: to see if we can replicate that comfort in person. Again, we did, and it was a total relief!
It was back to normal again after that. We laxed up, and we even chatted for some days leading up to *********. Still though, I felt like I missed out big on you, and the idea of letting you go for someone else potentially better to be with you saddened me a bit. I was really hoping “you’ll hold me to it” for when I felt ready to ask you on a date in the future...
Then on *********, my phase relapsed hard. That was when you found me alone inside, and asked if I wanted to talk about it...Yes, I TRULY wanted to tell you what I was feeling, I NEEDED to let it out, but I didn’t know how. We were friends again, and I knew confessing would only worsen the situation. That’s why I told you, “I don’t know.” Like, it was bad that day, before you came in, the other teams were looking at me because I had my head down like I was crying...And that I wanted to- oh so badly, because besides telling the truth, I feel like that was my only way to make the pain stop. But I haven’t cried in years, I feel like I can’t. When ***** died, I tried forcing my tears, and upsettingly, nothing came through- especially considering that was the saddest day of my life…
But I eventually sucked it up and ignored my three-week pain, because I needed to support **** for his last race. Sadly, he missed it, and my sorrow for him greatly overshadowed my own. That night, you texted me, and then the next day as well. It was from there, we started getting close to each other, started getting to know each other better. I loved it, because it was also helping me get through my doubts. But, as I got to know you, I realized how much more similarities we had- and it scared me, because I had a feeling it wasn’t going to bode well…
But the way we spoke, the comfort and trust you had in me, was beginning to make me believe that you were worth waiting for. Crazy to think, but I thought you were the one for me...I also once prayed that if I ever like another girl, to let it be “the one,” because I’m fed up with searching. It didn’t occur to me that it might have been you until you said you once prayed for that too. Every day and every night, I was becoming more and more fond of you, and you would kill me in our deep convos! It started with the “We finish each other’s- SANDWICHES!” Then to when you’d always have to clarify that you “really enjoy talking to me.” But the big-hitter was when you would STUPIDLY SAY, you will never find love. As you told me more of your past, I told you it was no longer empathy for you, I was actually feeling “sympathy.” It was, because these words stung me like poison. It burned me up whenever you said stuff like that- because there was me.
You didn’t know it then, but I really liked you. My heart would skip a beat for whenever my phone went off, I was more dependent on my phone because I had you to go to for entertainment; some days I just sat in bed and did nothing because you made me content enough. I’d think about you a lot, and couldn’t help but think that I “loved” you. I always corrected myself though and said “really like” so as to keep it simple. I do love your quirkiness, your sense of humor, your optimism (when you use it), your determination, and especially your kindness. I did have a dream about you at one point though...It was the first day of pre-season, and when I entered the complex, ****, ****, and ***** (for some reason she was still attending) got excited and were teasing you. I walked by like nothing, greeted all of you like friends- including you. But, the girls insisted. Coach said for the first practice, we’re going off campus. So on our way to the van, the girls came up to us both to make us feel awkward and make us “official.” We then found out the van wasn’t there yet and we had to walk back inside, but as we did, I decided to hold your hand, and you let me. I then woke up from the dream and boy, was it hot in the room, and millions of butterflies in my stomach didn’t help! I was mad though, because I could’ve lived that dream much longer, it satisfied my want to be more than your friend…
Then one day, we had a talk. Another deep talk, and a rather infamous one that would lead to my destruction...You told me you may have feelings for your ex- again...after that long conversation, I couldn’t talk to you the same after. I know I wanted you to be happy, and I know I’m not looking, but for some reason, I was so hung up on the imagination of you not actually meeting anyone and me taking the chance once I feel like I’m ready...but again, there’s no realism in that. Knowing me, it’ll take me until I have a job after college- no girl would want to wait for me, nor do I expect it...But it was a dream I kinda hoped for with us two, and it shattered on that day. That was the week I didn’t talk to you for days. I eventually came to the conclusion that I should be grateful for what I have (having you as a great friend) than what I do not (having you). I have to say though, it hurt me with each passing day to be your friend; it was beyond difficult; I still do and it still is. To know how special you are, to know that I “might” have a chance, it was hard.
So then, I suppose you could imagine what happened when you and **** got back together...My world went black when you told me you two were dating again. After that first time I hung up until the coast was clear, when I called back, I already knew how your story would end, and I was way too upset to contain it, which is why it sounded like I had an attitude at first. After you told me, I was pretty messed up. You were asking for advice that night, and I had to revert back to being your best friend to help you, but inside it was tearing me apart, because again, I thought I loved really liked you. But I knew this day would come...Remember when I said God answered my prayer as to what was wrong with you and to fix it for you asap? Well, not only was it for your stomach problem, but I had feeling it was something else going on, and I had a hunch **** was involved...And that scared me a bit. So I also prayed to God, that if it is that, if this your opportunity to be happy, and if you are not the one for me at this time...to fix it now, because I can’t take the pain any longer...The next day was when you told me…
And no, this has nothing to do with my decision to text you less (if anything, that did nothing to ease the pain), the reason I gave you was entirely true. As much as I hope God took my words literally, when I said “at this time” (in hopes a later time will work), I knew **** was for you by the way you spoke about him. The way he did weird things after you did, the way you were comfortable talking to him about the past, the way you drove for hours out of the city and not realize it until you were far elsewhere...The truth hurts, but he is the type I thought of when I made my sacrifice at *************. I don’t think I’m that guy either, especially the driving part (I’m not paying for my car, so I do have some limitations set by my grandmother that I agreed to)! In the end, it seems I was right. I’m not your type. I’m not the guy for you. You deserve better than me. I don’t even understand what you would see in me...
Sad to say, but I had another dream about you later...I was sitting somewhere with ****** (*******) and you came to us. You leaned in by ****** and was saying something in private. Moments later, I heard a “smooch,” and while ****** was shocked, he forgave you, since it was just on the cheek. For some reason, I knew what was happening. I remember you telling me you had a crush on him once, and in this dream, you confessed it to him- as a way of coming clean before getting far into your relationship. Then you came to me, and we small-talked. I was going to come clean to you, and I don’t know how though, but you already knew my feelings for you. You cut me off, and said you meant to bring me gifts, drawings you made for me, but didn’t give them so you didn’t look like you still liked me. You brought your iPad and showed me them, because you forgot them at home. I was trying to talk, but you insisted on showing me every last image first. As soon as we got to the last, you pulled me in for a hug, and it was a long, warm one. You apologized for “leading me on.” But you didn’t, if anything, I did for trying to keep our friendship strong, wishing that I can still capitalize on it later. I wanted to cry in this dream, my stomach was hurting, and your hug was overwhelming...and as soon as I wanted to apologize, the dream ended- which meant you were still with ****, and you only came to apologize; a symbolic ending on how these words here will never be spoken...an ending I do not want for us, but it seems we are already en route...Bless you and ****.
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