Unworthy of being depressed

There are always times where you have a conversation with your friends and joke about being depressed because you haven't been going out much or you dislike being around so much people.

No one seems to hear that cry of help. But a part of me was reaching out to them for help. There isn't any idea that comes to my mind when I think of what might help me but surely first would be for someone to just hear me out without being judgemental or saying things like "You should do it" or "You should't be scared" because in my world doing a lot of things are scary and triggers my anxiety and I can't look at people the same way they do.

I constantly feel frozen in a situation where I am supposed to make progress and it has always been something I am embarassed to share. All those things makes me depressed and I question the reason why I am alive. I will always think if someone else was living my life, they would surely make a better use of it than me, who is just wasting away. Anxiety making me always go inside my head and that keeps pushing me more into the rabbit hole of depression.

What makes it worse is that, I question even what is the main reason I am depressed? I have friends who have family problems, who have gone through childhood trauma or some loss in their life and here I am saying I am depressed when my family are perfectly fine, I haven't had any major problem recently. Though I do think experiencing childhood bullying has caused most of these anxiety problems and made me who I am today in a negative light. I am not strong enough to stand up and say "I am going to use what happened to me as a strength". I envy those who can do that but I can't. I am the kind of person who will start crying if someone came up to me and starts yelling at me and putting me down.

I feel unworthy to even say I am depressed because I compare how I feel to people who has it worse than me. I feel ashamed that I am unable to tell everyone the real truth of how I am frozen in time right now unable to do anything. There are times when I think about reaching towards someone for just an ear to listen or to understand what I am going through or to see who I really am behind the smiles. Sometimes everything brings me down so much that I lose trust in people and even start hating my friends or maybe I just hate the side of me who is unable to surface towards my friends.

All these thoughts were killing me so i just needed to vent. Thank you novni for listening to me.