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a response, turned free writing rant...COMPLEX PTSD, where did it go bc it hasn't left me?
6 years ago · 0 · Complex Ptsd, +11 · Explicit
762
i hear you...x many years. I'm a month from 45 and have 3 kids (4,7,12) I'm responsible for, brought into this mess and I can't even take care of myself anymore; have the will or hope to do so. I was finally "diagnosed," labeled, what have you, just 2 years ago at 43...finally someone said, no this isn't just depression and anxiety; this is COMPLEX PTSD (no longer recognized by the DSM, thank you asshole psychiatrists that have only made it MORE difficult to make distinctions between types of trauma, as well as not wanting to include "developmental trauma" and/or childhood trauma, a unique classification that's been studied (ACEs, adverse childhood events and health outcomes, Kaiser & CDC, Feletti, et al, 1990s) but you don't hear about...and is very important to our understanding of all of these DSM "diagnoses" or labels, their associated treatments as the neuroscience and neurobiology is out there and advancing every day; yet we ignore its importance for treatment/recovery, health outcomes, impact on society...)
So, yeah, COMPLEX PTSD with severe anxiety, I was told, can look like Bipolar disorder (type 2) by a FNP-psych via tele-med as that's the best I can get even in Denver, CO with insurance...thank you insurance and thank you psychiatrists &therapists for not taking it...oh, then a trip to a place that was suppose to be covered/authorized (we paid our max out of network out of pocket...bc good luck trying to claim there's no in network OR even get help; where is the help???)....and they haven't paid almost 2 years later but told we can be balance billed 90k/left there unstable; worse than I went in...so yeah, a lot of "personality disorders and traits" and such came up on my psych profile after testing; a quick neurofdbk EEG; a few therapists, possible other "diagnoses," and left to wither. So then I'm told just a week ago (whilst always having suspected/read/worried about myself) by a neighbor/friend who happens to work at a school with "troubled" youth as a social worker...oh, didn't they tell you that most girls that were sexually abused as a child (and/or had lost a parent-abandonment-neglect)....(check...check..check...and more) end up with borderline personality disorder (or traits, if you want to go there) and boys, anti-social personality disorder?...I'm like, NO, but that unfortunately, makes a lot of sense and really sucks...Not to mention I was "validated" and told at the residential treatment center (by the therapist I saw a few times to unveil my life to but she was gone on training and vacay half the time I was there so I didn't get to see her)...you've been in survival mode your entire life essentially. You've never had a safe place, sense of security...so all you know (your brain-body...same thing people) is SURVIVAL...not just fight or flight but there's FREEZE (no one mentions this) and even collapse. You don't live in a normal window of tolerance...your autonomic nervous system is running on extremes of sympathetic and parasympathetic... and then you have dissociation that occurs when you have had long standing ptsd, recurrent trauma starting in childhood...this has been my life. I've always known I was fucked up, crazy, doing things and thinking things that probably were not like other people but didn't understand...I've survived but I'm battle weary, worn and this body and spirit is broken. The chronic illnesses and pain; all the surgeries, complications, shitty treatment from doctors, suffering, trying so hard to fight...and the worsened cycle of being retraumatized, set in this cycle of being stuck...in chronic panic now, depression, paralyzing anxiety and thoughts...I'm so done. I have no fight left. BPD is just another label that I secretly suspected/worried about...and now, its just another death sentence. So these links to PTSD and talking about acute vs chronic are all bs for people that have COMPLEX trauma/ptsd; its like we're left out of the PTSD crowd. I thought it was only veterans...which is where all the research, funding and clinical trials are for...so good luck if you're not a veteran....and if its not combat related; if its childhood related, complex so to speak, which means you're more likely to experience repeated trauma (all types)...you're fucked. you're double fucked if you don't happen to have a really juicy addiction co-occuring...bc most treatment centers are addiction focused/centered and in fact insurance usually/mostly only covers PTSD treatment if it co occurs with substance abuse. So basically, the treatment centers don't exist or if they do, they usually have an addiction element, however, if they do have a good trauma-focused program that involves childhood trauma/sexual abuse/and the co-occuring mood-behavior-personality disorders that are common these are definitely NOT covered by insurance/private pay only...Just try finding a good trauma informed/sensitive therapist or god help us, psychiatrist...on an outpatient basis let alone one that accepts insurance. The misinformation and omission of info about PTSD and co occurring disorders; specifically those that started in childhood (aka childhood trauma, developmental trauma) is shocking! on here, seeing, this gal Kristin talk about PTSD, there is so much that's being omitted, leaving out a lot of people, making ppl feel like, hmm that doesn't sound exactly like me, sooooo..... and the links to NIMH and the PTSDalliance are even pitiful resources...when will this country, this world perhaps wake up to the epidemic of generational trauma and how it affects our brain chemistry via everything....neuroscience people, your nervous system, your brain...controls everything...literally everything in your body. there is no mind-body connection per se it literally is one and the same....no "mental" and "medical" or psychological vs physiological in reality...just because we can't measure or see every activity of every neuron and mitochondrial activity and all the consequences of these billions of activities our nervous systems does every day doesn't mean they aren't real or aren't valid or happening....
we'll continue to be a sick nation, an obese nation, addicted, depressed, overdosing on pills Rx or not, coping with sex, video games, social media, food, self harm, harming others consciously subconsciously, unconsciously, unintentionally and intentionally in seemingly small ways (that aren't small) to big media blast worthy school shootings, knifing attacks, to the everyday mundane domestic violence, abuse, sexual assault, verbal/emotional abuse, other violence and such that happens daily...
it will all continue. its a cycle. its not one problem. its not a "mental health" issue. its not a "gun" issue. its not an "opioid" issue. THIS IS A ALL OF US issue: people, societal, generational issue perpetrated again and again...but we offer the usual bandaid solutions to big complex multi layered problems...they are all interconnected. but we want to blame somebody...its the guns, its the people with the guns, its the NRA, its the lobbyists....its mental health, its evil a disturbed person, if they just got help/we didn't see any signs...what?...take away the guns from the people with the mental health issues...they're the problem. Oh, yeah, and we won't stigmatize, but chronic pain people must be mental (aka psychosomatic) too...and opioids must be the problem and handing them out so its the doctors and pharma...so stop treating pain to prevent opioid addiction and overdose. These are all partial truths people...but they are not the answer...they really aren't even partial answers...bc they mask the real underlying issues and seemingly make us feel good that we're doing something when in fact we're likely making things worse. God help us all. God help me...if I'd only ask Him more often...because I think maybe He's the only one that can.
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