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From the beginning, I wasn't sure if it was right for me. I didn't feel butterflies on the first date, but I continued to give it a shot. You were extremely late to our second date, which was a major red flag, but you looked cute, so I let it slide. It may have been the third date when you asked me to be your girlfriend, and I knew that it was way too soon. I told my friends that I wasn't ready, but they assured me that it would be best to accept your proposal, as to not appear completely uninterested, so I convinced myself that it was best.
Looking back, I feel that was wrong.
I think that you only asked me, so that you could be more physical with me. And of course, the endorphins that I got from physical touch made me feel closer to you. But it wasn't real. It was lust, it wasn't "like," and there certainly wasn't the potential for love.
I told my sister, my sister-in-law, my friends, my dad, my mom, and my brother that what we had wasn't serious. I told them that I wasn't really into it. I told them that I might end it. So why, when it's finally over, and I'm free from the fake relationship, do I feel so hurt? Maybe because I put my time and energy into it, knowing that I shouldn't have. Maybe because my gut is telling me that you used me, whereas I had the intention of trying to have something more with you.
I don't understand why I continued to try despite all of my reservations about you. You're negative, pessimistic, nihilistic, you don't like kids, you lack empathy, you don't like music or movies or TV or books or texting. None of this was charming, none of these "quirks" were cute.
I think that I was just afraid to fall into a pattern of not allowing myself to be in relationships. I've never been witness to a healthy relationship. If I have, it's so rare that it doesn't come to mind. I know that they're messy and feelings are hurt and hearts are broken. I always "slam the breaks before I even turn the key." And I wanted to prove to myself that I could fight the urge to end it, and I thought that maybe if I did, things could work for us. For me.
Ultimately, it's clear that we didn't connect emotionally and a lot of what we had was forced (at least from my perspective). I'm glad and relieved to have it over with. The anxiety that tortured me about not knowing where you were and how you were feeling is done.
But I think that selfishly it hurts knowing that you didn't really want me. Even though I don't want you. It must be my ego or something. The combination of feeling used, misunderstood, and unwanted made me cry last night. But it has nothing to do with you.
I'm not upset over you. I'm upset for me.
And that's a very important distinction to make. You're out of my life and that feels amazing, but for whatever reason, my confidence is shot. It conflicting and contradicting and confusing and indescribable. It's tough to be overrun by this much emotion.
My advice to you is to get more experience. But to make your intentions known with the next person. And to identify the way that you feel about them before labeling them as your girlfriend. Because these labels complicate things.
My advice to myself is to take things slowly with the next guy that comes along, to protect myself, and to move at a pace that's comfortable for me. I need to trust my instincts, I need to be more vocal, and I need to understand that there is a right time to be physically intimate with someone. I didn't fully trust you, and I should have prior to being closer with you. I realize now that physical intimacy changes the dynamic and alters my emotional state. I need to be mindful of that.
I've deleted your number, unfollowed and unfriended you on all social media, and thrown away the things that remind me of our time together. I don't want to be your friend, and I don't think that you're an amazing person. I mean, you might have been a good acquaintance, but certainly not after everything we've done. I don't want to hear from you, which is why I won't send you this letter.
This chapter of my life is closed, and it's time for me to take the proper steps to move on. I'll stop my thoughts about our situation from running rampant, I won't talk about it, and I'll focus on other things.
I wish myself the best, and I know that I won't have any hard feelings.
I wish myself the best, and I will work hard to give myself the best.
I wish myself the best, and I know that if I continue to grow and work and try, I will get it.
Thanks for the learning experience. I know myself better now.
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This is amazing and inspiring
ReplyThank you, friend
Reply