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I am a very extroverted person , I love being with people all the time. Not any people , a rather large number of selected ones I would say. I was fascinated by this girl , an amazing woman , an introvert one. She doesn't talk much, she doesn't reply much , she now works too , which is exhausting for her.
I had to make myself understand that if i wanted her as my friend my whole notion of interacting and bond making had to change , not to change me but to also make me better and be able to understand people like her as well. I yelled and kicked and went into a depressive state and out of it and then back in it depending on how she reacted, because these reactions meant different things for her than for me, something for her would mean "not now later" for me would mean "i hate you" and I would cry and cry over it over and over again. All this is what we call necessary evil of learning new things, i learned a completely new vocabulary thanks to her . I learned to be more patient and understanding , i also learned that spending a day under your blankets is actually a good idea, i learned to be more happy with me alone than always worrying of peoples expectations.
Truth be told sometimes i feel like i am putting up a show, a show for all these people to see and admire to prove i am worth the position , the place in the table.
That didnt really suit me, I cant keep up facades for long. She taught me discipline and also she taught me of "silence" . As Thiago de Mello said , the words are the weapons and the silence is the armor.
Through my mental breakdowns trying to understand what I did wrong, why am I feeling this way etc. It showed me in crystal clear glass my own shortfalls and psychological issues, my jealously , my fears of abandonment of being not enough , of attention seeking nature in order to feel loved and paid attention to.
For her I didnt have to put up a show , open my feathers to impress. All it was needed was to be myself. but for an extrovert thats not so simple , we change through so many people each day , we act accordingly towards them , a group of poetry for example will require different approach from the friend you make in university and a different approach in the friends you make from your neighborhood. I am still learning to be myself and not be scared and stand up in my own 2 legs without any masks on , each day i find new things about me i never knew about, like my drawing passion and my passion to create things and sports.
All these thanks to her.
I shower her with gifts all the time, not silly things, things i know she likes, not to feel enough for her but because she does all these things to me , she is teaching me to paint my own life in my own canvas , I am teaching myself of course but without her nothing would be possible for me to make these realizations. I dont know if she realises her importance to me and that she is causing me to grow so fast and so differently that for me the only way to say thanks is through a hug , a drawing of her, a plushie or by buying her something she always wanted .
I wish she could see it, I wish she could understand that she is my muse she is the power that fixes my wings every time they brake and make them better and better each time. I will be at her service till the end of times.
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