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I have so much running through my mind. Sometimes i wish i could just reach out, grab a thought, and have the ability to focus on it; on just that one. Focus. Focus. Focus. No matter how many times i tell myself, it just doesnt work. I start to get a headache and then i feel defeated. Why am i defeated so easily? Can i just blame it on genetics? every family member of mine has a problem finishing things...maybe they also blame it on genetics, a sigh in defeat instead of trying to fix it too.
I distantly remember my highschool, perhaps sophomore year, history teacher telling us all that anything deleted in the world or destroyed is pretty much an abomination in his eyes, including texts, photos etc..
He would continue to state that it is all a piece of us, our own personal history that we as human just delete everyday. thinking about it...i agree to an extent.
well i just took a hit off of my fiances pipe. weed pipe of course. my attitude is already changing, i can see it in the way im typing. looser, more relaxed, less depressing topics just strange. im strange.
as i child i always cried when people would just smoke cigarettes around me and now here i am, smoking weed every day. i have too many problems. so many that sometimes i do contemplating suicide. the only problem is that itd crreatee problems for those that i love, i wouldnt be able to rest i dont think. sometimes i hit a point over and over again and i think to myself, "this is it, just do it, he can take care of everything."
no no no no dont listen to that part of you, he wouldnt be able to afford the services, not even cremation, youd risk him being blamed, youd risk him killing himself as a result, youd risk witnessing your family move on within a week, so many things.
alaska. why did i choose alaska?
i guess death provides a good point for conversation. god, i type sentences like that and then i realize how abnormal it is. im just sitting here, in my one bedroom apartment. At my dining room table, typing this into the laptop in front of me. Will i remember these moments when im old? will this moment be forgotton by tomorrow? my receeding memory scares me...he says he understands but constantly gets angry at me when my memories get mixed up or forgotton...maybe we will last, or maybe itll be forgotton too.
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