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I don't deserve support i am angry and stupid and rude. I can't do anything. I get frustrated too easily. I am ridiculous and i'd be better off dead to the world. Don't worry i won't commit suicide, and i won't harm myself. I'm just stupid and have no perseverance and i am useless and worthless. I'm angry at myself. I want to die. I don't have very much patience with anyone or myself. I am so rude and lazy and selfish. I'm a quitter and i give up and that makes me worthless and it's hopeless. I don't work i don't do anything helpful and when i try i fail and quit very easily. My sister has a very good reason to be angry with me for being rude and giving up and leaving her to do the work i said i would help her with. How stupid am i. I'm just so angry with myself. I can't forgive myself for being like this. Why am i like this. It's my fault and i should not be allowed to be like this. I can't go on like this. I want to harm myself but i won't. I'm not doing ok and i don't know why i decided to write on here because i don't deserve people supporting me right now. I can't do this anymore where i am completely rude and then people just forgive me. I deserve someone to hate me forever for doing this to them over and over and over again. I don't want them to feel bad for me but i am pathetic so i deserve anything that happens to me. How can it be that i hate myself so much. I'm trying to not do bad things. I'm trying to do good things. I should appreciate myself for that. But i can't get over how rude i am to the people who are the nicest and most loving to me. I'm not ok. I don't think anything can help me at this point. I don't know why i feel this bad. I don't understand why i am so rude. I'm so upset. I don't know how to wind down. I can't do it. I feel really stupid for even posting this. Maybe it's a bad thing for me to post this. But maybe it's a good thing. I don't know. I guess i'll find out. I'll either make a terrible mistake or not. I'm feeling like it's going to be a mistake. I shouldn't post this. Sorry everyone who didn't even get the chance to try and help me. For not even knowing i existed or not even knowing i was struggling or dying on the inside. Sorry for everyone who thought i was ok but i really wanted to kill myself and hurt myself and starve myself or injure myself but won't. I'll just keep acting normal like no one will ever know. They won't even know i feel this way. They won't even know i've felt this exact same way hundreds of times. They'll just keep living and forget all about me. This is me. Someone who would commit suicide if only i didn't already make myself a promise after already almost attempting suicide a few years ago and cutting my wrists around the same time but now i just act like i'm over it. But i'm not. This is my pathetic depressing worthless life that i wish i was dead but i deserve this pain. But i don't want to be hopeless forever. But i might
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Nope. The only people who are hopeless forever are the ones who don't try. You? You won't be hopeless forever. You will learn and grow and improve and life will get better.
ReplySometimes we take on guilt for not being what people expect us to be. Even if you make a promise it doesn't mean you didn't intend to keep it.
Everyone has value, so you may feel your lowest but that doesn't actually make you worthless.
Keep fighting day by day, take it as slow as you can and get through it. It has it's downs, but that also means you've got some ups coming your way too.
Also, it doesn't mean you're weak to admit you need help, if your country has good services for mental health I recommend you use them fully! Even feeling a little down could be something that you should talk to a professional about if it happens often.
However, I know sometimes there is great stigma against seeking help, in which case I can only say it was good of you to post here.
Just know that whoever you are you are loved by someone, even if you can't feel it just yet or have some extreme negatives blocking the way, keep feeling your way through that darkness and know you're not truly alone, just in a tight spot.
ReplyKeep fighting! You can do this and you are going somewhere in life!
ReplyI'm sorry everyone who is reading my post. I shouldn't have titled it everyone please read. I don't want to bring people down or waste their time.
ReplyBut i'm grateful for your comments. Thank you for helping me feel like it's not hopeless after all.
ReplyMy comment is the first comment- and I just want you to know that you didn't waste my time at all. You're strong and smart and you're going to be ok.
ReplyHey.... remember it’s all temporary! Take one step at a time! You wanna move forward? Take ya time! “All in good time” the process is gonna be a BITCh but you’ll get through it (god willing)
Peace and love
ReplyI only needed to read a few sentences to advise you this:
PLEASE SEEK THERAPY ASAP!!
I used to think in a similar but in a less self-degrading way and I thought I would never suicide because "No one can control death" and "You won't die until you accomplish your life purpose and life span". I believed those argument would save me forever from suicide, but I was wrong. Now I lost control of my depression, I'm tired of waiting for the moment of my death and I can only think about when will I hang myself (because I already prepared else without even thinking at all) even when I'm aware I have anything to move forward, even when I am aware that life can go better, even when there was and is nothing wrong in my life I only want to die as soon as I have the chance to.
I used to be a high performance person (even when I was demotivated about life in general) who only cried on strong situations. Now I can't even do a simple task because my emotional pain overwhelms me at random times of the day, my blood vessels start to ache and I can't control the moments I cry; this was the time I knew why was depression considered an illness. I was a bit of an arrogant to think I could control it by my own with no professional help.
PS: How was you suicide attempt? What made you change your mind in that moment? I need to know.
ReplyYou need to find a support group in your area to help you sort out your feelings. Your depressed and unhappy with your life. You can get help by telling your doctor. He may be able to give you some pills to regulate your mood. You need to keep yourself busy by joining a church or take up a hobby like pottery classes, cooking classes or join a gym. Volunteer at a hospital etc. You need to get your mind off yourself and on to other things. Life is great when your on track. Hang in there and talk to a counselor at your school or talk to your parents. There is help out there for you.
ReplyHey, take a deep breath. You are worth something, you are a good person. It's okay to be angry sometimes, it's okay to be sad, it's okay to feel alone sometimes. But just know that SOMEONE is rooting for you in this life. Don't beat your self up so hard about this. People change, and people do evolve. I felt the same way about five-six years ago, hell I didn't think I would be alive to apply to college or even graduate high school. Just push through and find something you're passionate about. You're going to make it, just keep telling yourself you will!
ReplyI saw myself when I read this. I have never felt something so true to the emotions I feel. This is so real, and I love it. You are an incredible writer. You are beautiful, even when you don't feel like you are. You are never wasting anyones time when you know you are saying something that needs to be said. You are worth something, and you are worth everything. I hope you know that you matter, regardless of what other people do or say to you. You are not selfish. You are incredible.
ReplyWhen you feel bad just think that there are millions of people getting murdered ,raped and just beaten up by someone.People in muslim countries getting tortured daily.Your life is much much better them.You have functional hands,legs,eyes, hands.Everyone is not lucky as you are.May be whatever you wanted from your life you didn't got it but still there is chance to be better.To give life thousands chance and more
ReplyOf course, other people suffering doesn't make your suffering less valid. It can be easy to bring yourself down, thinking about how other people have it worse and hating your emotions because of it.
Reply