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The time is 3.18 am, i'm sitting on my couch writing this, i cannot remember the last time i went to bed and woke up feeling refreshed. It's the same thing every day, i go to bed at a ridiculous time, sleep all day, wake up and feel empty in my cloud of smoke surrounded by shit food and shit thoughts.
In my head however i feel a yearning for more, you might be asking
''why don't you just get up, why don't you push through it''
I try, i try so hard, i tell myself i need to do all of these things and get so overwhelmed by it all i just clam up and take refuge in the same spot on my couch, blinds drawn, blanket over my head.
I miss being independent and mindful, taking in the beauty of life and being present.
There are days where a conversation with my partner is too much, I zone out completely, leaving me bashing myself in my head, the little voice calling me ignorant, rude.
I'd like to think i'm a strong person, i know i am, but lately i've had such a weight on my shoulders, and it get's heavier everday. This needs to stop.
I've been through hell and back but i never think about it, i don't think about my childhood, or the things i've seen. infact i struggle to remember most of my childhood, like there is a massive block on my mind and my thoughts.
I rack my brain all of the time to try and put the events in my life in chronological order but i struggle. I feel as though i'm not present anymore, but in my soul and my mind i feel so much life, so much appreciation for everything and love for everyone. It's just bursting to get out, i want to be able to articulate a conversation again, i want to feel electric, i want to live my life authentically and be myself. Build people up and spread love and magic wherever i can. I feel it in myself.
The question is, however, how do i get out of this rut?
The truth is i don't help myself.
I felt like i had turned a corner, i was going out and doing things and not feeling nervous every minute i could.
I started to create, i cut out toxic people.
Then my grandad passed away. After weeks in the hospital, finding out his cancer had spread and that it was terminal. I saw him come to terms with it, i saw my nan by his side every day, every night.
He was a strong man, he and my nan took me in when i was younger, i remember being dropped off by social services and he opened the door, crying, arms wide open. I never saw him cry again.
The love i have for him is so powerful and so deep that when i think about him it's like i have yet again another mental block. It's still very raw for me so thinking about him too much is upsetting, however writing this down even though my grammar is shoddy and there's not much vocab to be seen, it's helping.
i don't even know what im trying to do here but i do know this.
I'm going to try to be more mindful, to be present, to find my spark again even though there are numerous things weighing me down, i'm going to rise above it.
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Your positivity is truly blissful . Most people give up and resort to self harm. I wish you the best as you embark this new attitude. I may be only 13 but I have been through more than most 30 year olds. I always keep a positive attitude and don’t ever feel self-doubt. You should write a story about your struggle and the progress of over coming them. It could benefit you and other. For you, a distraction, and for others a guid. Good luck👍
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