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I'm so freakin sick of living a delusional... I make these leaps in the dark in life, but when I turn on the lights, I realize I've been jumping into a wall. It's not exactly like running in circles, I just feel like I'm making NO PROGRESS whatsoever, whether it be good or bad. The only thing that ever changes anymore is the damn number on the calendar. I technically change things, sure; I jump between jobs, trying to find my niche and I want to believe that it'll pay off one day, but I'm just finding that I can't be happy. I can't do what I REALLY want; I don't have the ability, financially (for college) or mentally to pave THAT way to success. My plan B then consists of a frail reality for me. You see, I've got something of a 'plan,' you could say, but at this point, it just seems like an excuse. I don't actually KNOW if this plan will even work and lead to that happiness I've been searching for until I get to THAT point, and even then I dunno if it'll be too late. I lack motivation. Not just to make "the change," but to even bother with ANYTHING anymore. I'm rapidly running out of confidence in my own ability to make things work and I don't even know what's WORTH fighting for. I don't have anyone there to support me. No love, no passion, no reason to be on this planet that's already crowded as hell. I mean, really, in more ways than one, you have to wonder, why are we all here? To reproduce and make more and MORE generations? But for what though? To kill our planet? It seems like everything that can be done has already BEEN done. All MAJOR (or, important) inventions have already been made. All ideas are already in SOMEONES head. All ORIGINAL songs and chord structures have already been written. God, d'you have any idea how hard it is to feel like your place on this earth REALLY means something? Put on top of that this innate urge we have to be independent and unique and you're gonna find yourself crying a lot of nights... Well, that is if you're an emotionally sensitive person like me. I just- feel drained. Emotionally. I feel EXHAUSTED. Hell, contrary to that "emotional sensitivity" I claim to have, I find it hard to cry these days. The days all blend together. A couple years ago, the world seemed OPEN with infinite possibilities but now it just feels like a placeholder. Like a frame for what my life is SUPPOSED to be; just like everyone else's I guess. You know, there's just a way things have to be done I guess. You grow up, you go to college, you get married, you get a nice job, you get a house, you have some kids and you go from there. You can't be who YOU wanna be. You can only be what life WANTS you to be. If 'god' or whatever force you believe in determines you to have a horrible life, then so it will be. Some people are born into privileged lives. Some people are born with the keys to success, whether it be the money to go places, or the character traits to lead yourself to success. And at the same time, some people are born to suffer. We all know that life isn't "fair." So, why is it so hard to understand that I'm sick of living? I want to believe that I ALONE can get myself out of this depressing stoop, but I don't think I have those keys to success. I CAN'T help myself. I may need therapy, or better yet, ANYONE to just listen. I mean, really listen. For once... But it's not going to happen. I want to believe it will, but until I see ANY evidence of such a thing, I refuse to get my hopes up. I'm not gonna deal with that sort of disappointment. NOT again! You see? It's a paradox. I can't control my head. Hell, I can't control A LOT of things if you think about it. I don't know if I need someone to love me, or just someone to talk to, but either way, I'm not getting it, so....... What is the point? Like I said earlier, I AM EXHAUSTED. YES, I'm holding on with all my might but I honestly don't know how long my body can go LIKE THIS before it just shut down from stress.
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I get it, I had similar questions, but some questions should just be left alone or they will drive us crazy. Let’s not worry on why we are here, but personally there is so much I yet have to discover, I learn things everyday or at least I try to. Learn a trait, learn a fact, learn a language, learn a recipe, learn a sport, learn anything. Why? Because that makes us better, stronger, it builds us confidence, it can give us meaning. By learning we can help making this world a better place. I understand financial struggles, but there are plenty of ways, search on the internet, many universities in certain countries offer free tuition degrees in English, there is always a way. I did lack of motivation before, I didn’t know who I was, what was my purpose, but I honestly stopped looking for those answers and just started doing me, enjoying the everyday life. And no, you don’t have to follow the usual settings, do you want to get married? Marry, you don’t want to? Don’t get married, you don’t want kids? Don’t have kids. Are you supposed to do those things? Absolutely not. You don’t have to save money to buy a house just because that’s the "norm", do you rather live in a studio apartment so you can have more money to travel or pursuit a hobby? I would applaud you for that. You can do whatever you want if you put your mind and effort into it. Certainly some people are born with more advantages to get where they want, it doesn’t mean a person with no advantages can’t reach their goal, she/he will have to fight harder but the goal will be achieved. Sometimes you will feel exhausted of living, but damn if it’s worth wake up every day like you own your life. You are in charge of yourself and nobody can stop you. If you need therapy, seek therapy, you need to be listened and there will always be somebody there to listen, you are already doing a step forward by writing this, and here I read this so technically I am listening to you, and that’s already hope. Seek and fight always, don’t worry about the purpose, eventually you will know why you are here, I don’t know why I’m here yet but I’m living life between highs and lows like everybody else, enjoy this opportunity that we call life, learn and amplify your mind as much as you can, never give up and never lose hope. This life is yours and own it. Eventually you will find people that will follow you and stay with you, learn from you, and you will learn from them. Love you and hurt you, in both ways it’s an experience of life. Take a big breath and relax your body, let those negative feelings and hard questions go, take it easier and follow your heart more, everything will make sense one day, I promise.
Replyif you tell yourself "I can't", you'll be right. self talk is powerful. change your message.
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