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Depressed, Alone, Gloomy
10 years ago · 3
1801
I am depressed. I have been depressed for almost three and a half years and I have been alone for more than four years now. I am living on a different continent in a country which I don't like, doing something in which I have no interest. I have not visited my home purposely for three years as except for my family, with whom I converse via Skype regularly, there is nothing there that concerns me - all my friends are in different countries. I am lonely. I have neither the motivation nor the inclination to do something important despite my high potential. These last three years my alcohol consumption has increased, but thankfully I can say I'm not an alcoholic. My current situation has made me reserved and withdrawn from daily activities and communications.
Not that I am ashamed, but I have never told anyone of my condition and no one has a clue what is going on with me. I have learned to fake a smile when required, I show up at social gatherings when required, I have become a machine of irregularity. Here and there someone gets a clue like when you go from a spirited soul to someone who doesn't speak a word with his mother on a call for considerable stretch of time. No relationships last, the ones you like have vanished, the ones you hate have forgotten you.
I feel guilt - guilt for being myself, guilt for being run-down by life, guilt for failing, guilt for carrying everyone's prospects and expectations and not living up to it. My own hopes have become a burden. A burden growing each day. A burden too heavy for me to carry. I question who am I, who have I become and why. I have thought many times of the easy way out, said out loud many times, "That's it, I'm out," and all that stops me are the sensations and reactions of my family, my loved ones, my own subconscious showing me the repercussions. I say, "It will all be all right" to myself or at least I have convinced myself, but I know that's not true. I ask what mistakes I made to be where I am. Sometimes I get an answer, but most of the times I only discover the mistakes I have not yet realised getting me no where, only making me wish I could go back in time and not make the first mistake.
I know I need a change. I know where I need a change. I know how to change. All that remains is to find the enthusiasm to start - somewhere, someplace, sometime, somehow.
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Guidance counsellors can be really handy in creating compartments for different parts of your life. When everything is balanced, life seems wholesome. Things like family, work, me time, socialising, holidays, money or everything that crosses your mind daily should be carefully placed in importance. That way you will never forget things like family time or social time. I associate drinking with social behaviour, so maybe you are craving that social side of life? I hope it works out for you. Being stuck in a rut like this can be troublesome. Best wishes.
ReplyThis sounds like what my husband is going through. I've heard him say some of the same things. I'm sorry. Any advice for those of us trying to support someone with depression?
ReplyThat change you need can only come from within yourself. It sounds like you're getting there, and it doesn't happen overnight. It's a process. It WILL happen and things WILL get better, you just have to make little changes every day to the way you think, what you do, etc. First and most important is STOP talking down to yourself! If you feel guilt, that's a sign you know you could have done something better. Instead of regretting whatever it was, pay attention to the idea that you KNOW you could have done something better. You LEARNED. And that's all life is, really...a series of learning experiences. That's why suicide makes no sense. Death is a 100% guarantee things will never get better and we won't be able to learn anything new. So keep living. All you need is one person - YOU. What you do today is the memories you will have tomorrow. So choose to live each day the best way you know how. Make every day count and soon you will find yourself with a lifetime of happy memories and what you're going through now will just look like a little bump in the road. I wish you the best! :)
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