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So, how do you deal with a toxic mother and an indifferent father? A toxic mother who isn’t toxic all the time and an indifferent father who is actually quite loving and caring of a person?
How do you deal with this feeling of hesitancy of assigning an adjective to your parents based on their actions and most importantly, on how they affected you? How do you deal with this funny feeling of actually calling them out?
A mother who cooks amazing food, does your laundry, takes care of you when you are sick but only when you are physically sick? How do you handle this feeling of knowing that your very own mother cannot see how sick you are. How truly sick you are. Mentally. How have you gotten this good at hiding your emotions so well that the one person who should know you inside out, whose insides consisted of you decades back for nine months and who endured tremendous physical pain in pushing you out doesn’t catch these emotions? How do you deal with knowing that now is when you have been pushed you out really; pushed out with such brute force that this person who brought you into this world doesn’t even know you? Doesn’t even know a semblance of you?
She is fine, most of the time. But, she most definitely has her moments. God, she has them. How can you project your emotions so easily on your offspring? Aren’t you supposed to love your child the most, over anything? Isn’t that a true example of unconditional love? How do you deal with knowing that you are one of those who didn’t get this unconditional love? That you have one more person to prove your worth to in order to gain their love; that one person’s love which shouldn’t be earned? How can a mother’s look for her child be disdainful? How can a mother make her child feel so little of herself?
How do you deal with knowing that you are one such child?
How does a father ignore this? How can you be so ignorant to not see what’s happening with your child at the hands of your very own wife?
Ignorance is bliss but isn’t bliss is what a father feels when he holds his child for the first time in his hands? How do you forget that?
How do you deal with your father telling you blatantly that you don’t look good in a certain dress? Considering you are probably a young teenager and being concerned with outer beauty is every young teenager’s job role.
I will tell you one thing, though. That feeling sucks. One man who is supposed to find you beautiful always, doesn’t. What sucks majorly is that in those growing years, that strikes a chord. You gain wisdom from that surely but that hurts. So much. If only, a balm could soothe emotional wounds.
Do you let this all affect you? You are in your twenties now, sure. Though nothing has changed but you have had ample time to come up with a coping mechanism and you sure have. It’s an almost foolproof one.
But, some nights it just comes back to you. With greater force than before. The real question is what to do you then? In those moments of sheer vulnerability, when you feel you are at your absolute worst, you feel lonely because you truly are?
Do you let it get to you? Do you give it that power?
No, you don’t.
Those moments defined you. We all must have come across this phrase sometime in our lives that ‘You are who you are because of your parents.’ God, do you know how true is that!
How some of your parents’ actions truly resonate with you?
In those moments of weakness, you overcome this.
There is no denying that what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. And stronger it does make you. You can vouch for that with utmost surety.
You fight that sleeplessness caused by these thoughts. How do you do that?
Some episodes of Modern Family because their dysfunctional family gives you hope.
What else do you do? Think about how they did what they did and how now is your time. They are getting old. They are nearing that time when one needs their children the most. Now, you have the power. Or well, you are going to in some years.
You choose to take the higher ground. They are your parents really and regardless of the fact that there were some moments you never felt it, they love you and you love them back.
So, in those moments of anxiety, you think of how your mystical hold over your children (OTH, Lucas) will be different than your parents’. Everything comes full circle, doesn’t it? And all that toxicity and indifference could have made you a negative person but it didn’t. You see, that’s what precisely made you who you are now.
Yes, you have your father’s blood in your veins and your mother’s genes.
But other than the biological functioning of these three, what made your heart and mind and soul this big, this strong and this calm? Your positivity. Your light. The same light that you saw after some pretty dark moments in a tunnel.
In those moments of uncertainty, you think of this light and how it will guide you home. Not necessarily the one that witnessed the making of those deep emotional gashes but the kind of home that is filled with love and love alone.
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Wow, you very wise and positive. Thanks for sharing this. :)
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