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Slowly.. And slowly.. I slip into the deep darkness of my head. My mother, a women I would once admire and look up to. She even has a dark side, that dark side that no one knew. While she may have been abused, she let the same happen to me, her daughter. Before I was born, my mother completely left my brother with our aunt. No one knew why, no one asked why, that went for a year. She completely came back like nothing, no one to this day knows why. About a year or two after I was born, I lived with my godparents for about 2-3 years but my brother lived with our uncle for that time. Everyone thought it was because she was going through treatment for breast cancer, she never accepted nor denied it. When my godparents would change my diaper, something always would come out (that wasn't supposed to). At that time before we went away my mom and my siblings lived with my sisters dad. Recently I found out that man touched my baby cousin inappropriately, he was gonna get charges on him. My mom begged my aunt not to, everyone thinks he did the same to me. Growing up, my mom never told me that, all she would constantly tell me is if anyone touched me inappropriately, she said anyone including my siblings. I never understood why till now. Everyone in my family think I was raped by my sister's dad. I believe it. I've been told I can't remember my childhood because I might have gone through trauma so my brain erased it. I wound ask, I truly would, if a certain day that didn't happen. I was about 12 when I was sleeping on the bottom bunk of the bed, every night it would feel like someone was pulling the covers off me or touching me. It kept going till one day I actually looked to see who it was, it was my current step dad, I yelled his name and he ran back to his room. I kept yelling and my mother came to the room, all she said was "Shhussh, go to sleep." She ignore my comments, she ignored what i tried to tell her. I still keep crying to this day.
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I understand. I'm sorry that happened to you. How to feel? Feel strong because you are a survivor. You can grow and learn and heal and have a good life. You, like me, can rise above a negative upbringing and be successful and happy.
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