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I love you. I really do.
But it felt one-sided.
I knew it wasn't but
it was hard to trust how you felt.
Whenever I went out to buy food, I'd always ask, "Could I have it cut in half?" or, "Could you split that into two?"
I always thought of you. I wanted to give you more.
"What would he like? Would he like this? Should I get him this?"
Making him happy made me happy.
He was my number one - my only one. My top priority.
To him, I was just a thing he could pass time with.
You confessed to me, followed me for months.
Since last December, I've known you've had something for me.
I knew you liked me.
I was careful, though.
You followed around a girl for almost two years, and in the beginning, a different girl.
A girl much smaller, cuter, prettier, smarter.
I feel like you only liked me because I gave you a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear. I did all those things because I wanted to but
did you only choose me so you could have someone to depend on?
I wanted to depend on you too.
Isn't that a part of love? What a relationship is?
"I love you"'s are so easily said. Said so much and much too soon.
What I felt was genuine, though.
I was jobless, but I used my savings to buy you meals and matching tees.
I cooked for you, set alarms on special dates.
On your first day of work, I was overseas.
Yet I still searched for Wi-Fi in this new environment of mine to send you a text,
"I hope you had an amazing first day at work!"
You.
You've done so much too.
You gave me warmth in your hugs, kisses, touches.
You skipped the beginning of class to get me food when I felt down because of an exam.
You baked me cookies on my birthday,
and I know you struggled to find the baking aisle in the grocery store.
You brought me a burger at 11:30pm just because you were around the area.
And I'm thankful.
Grateful.
And I love you.
But what I wanted most was
your time
and commitment.
You were afraid to lose your friends after dating me
and though I found it silly,
because true friends wouldn't leave you for such a reason,
I respected that.
I let you spend time with them as much as possible,
as you did for me as well.
I like that! Having personal time.
But it got to the point where I was a second choice.
Left behind.
You would choose your friends over me and
you grew accustomed to it.
Your laptop broke,
and I would bring you mine.
Though I loved just sitting next to you,
it would have been nice to spend those days going out on dates instead.
But your happiness was mine,
and if your happiness comes from playing League with your friends
I let you.
But couldn't you text me?
Tell me good night?
Ask how my flight was or how my trip was going?
Did I make you that jealous for posting pictures of actors and singers I admire?
Never once have I compared you to any of them.
"Hey, isn't this singer cute? But do you know who's cuter? My boyfriend!"
Those were the words I would say.
Maybe it was too lighthearted for you.
I tried to respect you as much as I could.
But why can't I be friends with some guys and like some singers?
Never once have I ever had romantic feelings for my guy friends
and never have they.
But you.
You were close with that girl you liked for two years.
You go to your friends' house but instead of playing with him, you play with his younger sister who is the same age as me.
When I was on the trip,waiting for at least one text from you,
you were flirting with a coworker of yours who was six years older.
I get it.
They're all prettier and much more competent.
It hurt.
Your friend told me about the coworker incident.
"Yeah, he would always tell her to ask him if she had a problem,"
"Yeah, he tried to make his break time the same as hers so he could sit with her."
And this was all while we were dating.
How could you be such a hypocrite?
And to find out that your past crush would work with you
scared me.
Not because of her -
she's my friend too.
What she does is not my problem -
it's what you would do.
You would bus back home together at 1am,
go to McDonald's,
walk her home late at night.
Have you ever walked me home from the bus stop?
I remember once you were going to
but I told you to go back because it was late
and the buses don't run as often at night.
You hesitated,
but left me to walk home on my own.
Yes, I could have said "Yes," to your offer but
why?
Why do you only do things when I tell you to? When I ask you to?
Why couldn't you do things for me because you wanted to? Because it made you happy?
Everything I did didn't require effort.
If you have to try to love someone, it isn't love.
If you have to try for love, that's different.
I tried for us, be a better person.
But to love you, it was effortless. I did things because it was a pleasure.
I got nothing.
I only got replies and responses.
I loved you.
But I realised I couldn't do this anymore.
I was just a special trophy on your shelf
that you may have admired
but in the end,
only collected dust.
I loved you.
And there's so much more I wish to say.
Why did you make me leave you?
Why do you think I am the one who lead us to this conclusion?
I wanted to go on an aquarium date with you.
My dream date was to go to Build-A-Bear and get cute toys together.
I guess I can't do those things with you anymore.
I loved you.
But I can no longer trust your feelings.
"I'm sorry, it got scarier as I loved you more. Someone else will make you happy, I promise."
But why couldn't you make me happy?
Why do you have such a fixed mindset?
Why.
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The soul that I once gave to you Was never given lightly The nature of that soul is pure If a tad unsightly You promised me you wouldn't prove To be like...
Do you believe in soul mates? That idea that two people are so connected to one another that they share one soul? Now I know if you are just a regular old fashioned person that ideal might sound a little outlandish but to the romantic, to the person who's heart is filled with untapped unrelentless tidal waves of love, whose head is filled with the constant day dreams of loving another person to the fullest extent that they can, soul mates sounds like the most truest existence of God in all their might. You my friend sound like a lover. A person who experiences love to the fullest extent you are allowed to feel it, and then some. And the only thing I have to say to you is, don't ever give up on love. Don't give up on finding your soulmate. Because he is out there. And this man who was so willing to cast away your unselfish and undying love didn't deserve you. Don't let this heartbreak stop you from loving again. For one day you will meet that person and it will be when you least expect it. He will be your best friend, someone that will call you at one in the morning just because he missed your voice. That will choose to go to your house and spend the night with you because he hasn't seen you in days. Rather than go out with his friends or play video games. One that will love you for all the things you do, and all the things you don't. He will be your soulmate and nothing that could happen will convince you otherwise. Keep your head up my friend. And keep love in your heart. Believe me, your soulmate is out there and he is waiting for you whether he knows it or not. The universe is just waiting for you to find yourself before it gives him to you. Keep going friend. There are people out there who love and admire you. I am one of them
Sincerely,
The rantings of a big girl
Keep love in your heart
ReplyThank you so much, this actually helped me a lot to find ease in my heart.
I will continue loving and waiting!
Have an amazing day / night.
ReplyAnytime my friend! You're beautiful inside and out! Never forget that!
Sincerely,
Your friend the big girl.
Reply