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In middle school I was picked on for being different (ethnicity) and for being a little overweight. And at that time I was struggling with a family member dying from cancer and I was really hard around my family and my mom had to leave to go back
to her country. Which meant that I had to take care of my two younger sisters because my dad was always working so I had to grow up really fast. Now I grew up believing that I'm not beautiful or wonderful just have a lot of self doubts. I feel like I always have to be the role model and take care of everyone because of that event. Then i have a friend. he was struggling and I hate to see people struggle so I reached out to him. There was a point in our lives where I thought that I could tell him everything and that he was one of my closest friends ever. But there was a problem. He had depression and so do I. There was a point where he did try to kill himself and it took a toll on me. Now I feel like I can't talk to him the same way. Every time I brought my feelings about the whole situation and he would just curse me out and say that I never did care. I think that's What Hurts the Most is the fact that I've tried everything to take care of him. And it wasn't enough will never be enough. Now I have graduated. I'm looking for a job and it is tough and it eats away at my soul every day. There are days where I can push through it and continue but then there are days where I'm going to motional wreck and I just cry. And I can't help but wonder if that situation didn't happen, when I be different would I be this sad and depressed? And I feel in a way I blame myself I wasn't strong enough for him. And now I'm trying to take care of myself and I feel like I failed him. My boyfriend has been wonderful listening to me vent for hours on end. I feel bad that he does. he does it so willingly and it makes me feel so bad like that I don't deserve it. It's gotten to the point where I do injure myself and I end up cutting the bottom of my feet. And I walk around with that pain. And I watch my dog just become sick since she has a tumor and she won't be able to stay much longer. I have to put her down. There's not much that doctors can do and it hurts the fact I can't do anything to help her. And I've tried reaching out for help for my family about my depression and they say that it's just a phase I'm going through and that l will grow out of it. What kind of family tells their loved ones that is suffering from depression that they will grow out of it? It hurts me and it makes me feel like I can't trust them or anyone. I have become like a shell I don't want to say what's on my mind. At the same time for it to just keep getting rejected there's only so much pain and hurt you can take. It's come to the point where sometimes I even wonder today I will make it or if it's just better if I ended it. And I always think about my friend who attempted and how horrible I felt. I never would want anyone to feel the same pain that I feel now everyday. Kind of just eats your soul away it makes you feel worthless. To be honest I don't even know why I'm saying it here. Maybe I've reached the point where I just can't keep bottling it anymore. And I'm just looking to see if I'm crazy or am I wrong for feeling the way that I feel? I just want to know that it will be okay. I know that people have it much worse than I do. Yet I cant understand why I feel the way I feel
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Wow that is beautiful how you have the courage to put this out there and anytime you want to vent or need a hug I'm here, Please don't give in and let the pain control you, you are strong I can see it in your writing and you should not feel bad talking to your boyfriend about it cause a relationship is based on that kinda thing it ain't only based on sex and if you to can't open up and tell your pain then you really don't have a relationship. and if you don't want to open up to him you can Me alot of people tell me things that they wouldn't normal say, but they feel confy with me. i'm honest and wont lie to you, and your family is right sometimes it is just a thing you are going though but mine lasted for years upon years but I'm good now helping people helps improve. so if you need help or just talk or cry I'm here always and forever, and I understand where your friend is coming from he is in pain to and can't deal with his so he don't know how to deal with yours, so he yells at you. You are going to be fine, and as I said I'm here anytime as long i'm on not all the time am I but I try to be on everyday.
ReplyDepression is a serious issue and makes you fearful to express yourself to others in fear that they may think you are crazy. Life and living is messy and unpredictable and makes one fearful but for me I believe in a higher power, Jesus. The bible makes it clear that I can cast all my cares on him because he cares for me even when it does not seem that way. Talk to Jesus he can help you figure out why you feel the way you do.
ReplyThe metal withstood the fire and came out tempered and true, with a fine cutting edge.
Reply