I know this isn’t normal.

I feel physically ill, nauseous, and instantly get extremely angry when people look at me, stare at me, or look at me when they are talking to me. My mom fucking stares at me when she talks to me and I’ve literally blacked out and lost control and punched her in the face. It’s not just people though it’s also animals. I have a dog and everything is fine until my dog looks at me. When my dog looks at me I instantly want to yell at him and get angry. My boyfriend now takes care of my dog because I tried really hard to work on myself so I don’t yell at my dog when he looks at me, but I couldn’t stop no matter how hard I try. I spent hours in my room everyday feeling so guilty and awful and crying because I love my dog, but my out of control instant reaction to when he looks at me is fucked. I feel so guilty with my dog, but with people I don’t feel guilty. My boyfriend doesn’t look at me at all except when I’m turned around or whatever or when we are together in bed which is weird cause then I find his gaze relaxing and its all good. I’ve told my mom and dad not to look at me and my dad no longer does but my mom is kind of stupid and fucking stares at me constantly and even from like across their whole big ass house she will fucking stare at me. I tell her to stop and she starts yelling at me saying, “THATS HOW I TALK TO PEOPLE! I LOOK AT THEM. STOP BEING SO RUDE!”

I’M NOT BEING RUDE. I HAVE OUT OF CONTROL URGES TO HARM PEOPLE AND MYSELF WHEN PEOPLE STARE AT ME. I look down in public and when hanging out with friends because its the same for all of them too. Idk why I have this weird problem. I do have complex PTSD and severe depression, but I’ve worked with my therapist for years on it all and I didn’t have friends for most of my life and now I have a couple of them. Things are a bit better now and my Complex PTSD is more manageable but like I can’t live my life blacking out from anger and throwing up cuz somebody fucking looks at me.