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To whatever bad feeling I'm having.
Whatever thing I bottled up, felt heartache 'cause it was better off this way.
To any consequences coming later, after years doing this.
I'm accepting anything.
Fact that I really don't have nowhere to turn.
Nobody I can really talk about my feelings or say what's going on without backfire.
I don't bother anymore...
I don't bother changing.
I don't bother correcting myself in order to make my parents leave me alone for a while or trust me more, believe in my potential.
I don't bother...
I am nothing.
I'll die being this nothingness.
Thus I feared it before.
Feared being replaced, hearing that someone is giving up on me, didn't love me anymore, to know that I'm unwanted.
I wonder how my parents still wanted to keep me...
Why they didn't get rid of me?
And I don't mean abortion...
I mean telling me to forget I have a family, leaving me on my own... Maybe this is what I deserve. Sometimes I want to say this to their face: If I'm this incapable, why you didn't get rid of me then?
So what if I can't lace my shoes? You don't want me anymore in this house and I can't wait to leave, 'cause it's becoming impossible to stay here every passing year?
It doesn't make sense.
At the same time you can't wait, you like the idea of finding another ways to control me, manipulate me, humiliate me, make me feel bad... I know you seek pleasure through it, pleasure in terms of having power.
Day after day I feel like giving in to whatever is going to claim my life.
Ranging from a common flu to something critical.
The only way I'll be free...
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