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About a year ago I started feeling happy much less frequently and started becoming numb to all the things that usually brought me joy. I figured it was a normal thing that happened from time to time and blamed it on stress, but it didn't stop. Over winter break I stayed in my room almost all day every day except Christmas. And in spring it got serious.
I started thinking about suicide, maybe not seriously considering doing it since I had no idea how I'd go about it, but most definitely wishing I was dead. I was in a rough place when it came to my relationship with my family as well. My mom and I were fighting often, and I remember one night I stormed off to my room after one particularly loud argument and broke down crying when I was alone.
Now, I've been studying psychology for two and a half years, and I don't know why it didn't hit me before but it dawned on me just then that this wasn't normal. I remember thinking about all the symptoms of depression and I realized that that had to be what was going on. I knew if I tried to talk about it I wouldn't be able to get the words out, so I instead wrote a short letter to my mom explaining just what I thought was going on, and went back and confronted her again. I watched as she dubiously unfolded the paper, expecting a rant on how terrible she was being to me or something else equally ridiculous (she was actually in the right in most of these arguments; I'm just a stubborn little idiot) and as her eyes scanned each line, gradually slowing down as she took more time to read more carefully. I watched as she realized that her daughter was, in fact, not okay. She had barely finished reading when she stood up and gave me a hug.
We sat on the couch like that, hugging and crying, for about an hour, and eventually, since it was late, she told me we would discuss it tomorrow afternoon when I was free.
That didn't happen as planned. A family emergency came up. One of my family members had disappeared and had taken the wrong car with him. We spent hours trying to call him and find out where he was, and then were contacted by his best friend who said he had seen him walking on the bridge. We assumed the worst and I thought it was my fault because my mom had also explained to him my depression the previous night and I figured he felt like he had failed at supporting me and had decided to end it all. I was petrified that this was the case during the long drive up to find him, only to realize that it had been an issue with his medication that had caused all this.
I had never been more scared and then more relieved in my life. It also taught me the panic that comes with thinking someone you deeply care about is trying to kill themself, and it kept me here the rest of spring and most of summer.
Of course, things change and memories dull. I broke my promise to myself that I would never cut, and eventually started thinking once more about suicide. (This is within the last couple of weeks.)
I think the main reason I'm still here is because I don't know how to tie a noose.
But you know, all this has left me with something I had before but never felt this strongly. If I can't be happy, then I want to make everyone else as happy as I can for as long as I'm here. I guess that's the other reason I'm still here. I'd feel horrible killing myself knowing how much pain it would cause everyone else. I've been told I have an overinflated ego, that I'm a selfish idiot, and many other things, and I feel like I'd just be confirming all those things if I DID end up doing that. Guess stubbornness can be pretty useful, huh?
Anyway, that's my spiel. I know not many people are gonna read this, but for anyone who did, I really appreciate that you took the time to do so. So... um... I guess I'll be awkwardly floating off now...
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You are an inspiration.
A compassionate and thoughtful human being, I say this because you are selfless. You are amazing.
You think about other people and where this cold world is going nowadays, its hard to come by.
You need to write more because you've turned something negative into positive. We , the world are lucky to have you.
Take care of yourself and keep atit a day at a time. Truly remarkable
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