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I don’t think it’s something people can understand without experiencing it unfortunately. I’ll try to go into as much detail as I feel is relevant.
So... I’ve been lonely for a while now. I’m so used to it, that it’s now at a point where it doesn’t bother me anymore. However, there’s just one thing that is really bothering me at the moment. That’s being lonely at university. I can be lonely at work, home, wherever and I’m okay with it. Yet being lonely at university, really puts me in distress.
I think the reason why this is happening, is because I’ll see everyone walking around with their friends... and I’m feeling not normal when seeing this. “You’ll make lots of friends at university”. Heard that one before? With confidence, I’m sure I’m not the only one who cannot relate to this statement a lot of people make.
A bit about me... I was lonely at college for two years. It never bothered me too much, as home was 5 minutes away. So, if I ever did feel overwhelming distressed, I could escape home and cry, whatever. Difference is now, university is an hour plus away. I’ve had to go to the toilets to have my breakdowns, which have been too frequent for my liking. I’ll get this feeling of loneliness, it then becomes overwhelming, especially when seeing everyone else with friends, then I’ll breakdown.
Of course... I’m not stupid. You have to make friends, get out there, however you want to put it. My problem is... that frightens the life out of me. I am an introvert, but let me explain what I mean. Talking to someone new is something I’ve never started. Any friends I have, they said hi first. I feel extremely scared to approach anyone and say hello. Most friends I have are online rather than in person too. I get like this feeling of extreme fear inside me. I know exactly what I’ll say in my head. I know how to start it. A simple, hi, you alright? Been doing much today? For university - you managing well on the course? However, actually approaching someone and executing it frightens the life out of me. This then often makes me feel worthless, weak and depressed. So I kind of remain stuck in a hole that I cannot climb out of. It’s resulted in me having some kind of psychological defect I think. I just don’t feel normal at all.
What do I do? Like I said, I seem to have this fear inside me. See how some people are scared to go anywhere near dogs? That’s how I am with people. Difference is I want to make friends, but that fear... I hope you understand.
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I understand, I've been through that situation during highschool. I don't have friends since I was 13 until 16, I do cry a lot for wanting friends that time but I was afraid they would hate me. Fast foward time, I was very popular in school later and have too much friends. You know what I did? Pretty much nothing. I just do my work, ask help from smart students in my work and during group project I gave my everything. Eventually I have few connections. I don't usually talk with them, but I smile and reply if they ask me. I do try start conversation with few students, not all last. I was popular because I was called as strange student, even by teacher, it doesn't affect me when they said that and that's whats made me more popular. They say I'm cool with anyone and "don't care" guy. Now they still talk with me even I'm already finished university. I get friends in university because of the same thing; I did nothing. The key is to be open and patience. Whoever came to you, treat them nicely and smile even when you don't feel like it. My best friends in university is those that I started the conversation with them first, but it takes me 4 years to be brave and come this far. So yea, that's it. Don't hope for having friends, they will come without you even realizing. Smile, I want to see you smile. :) I hope you will be fine, wish you luck in your studies.
ReplyThank you for your reply.
My teacher called me the sideman in college. Someone explained to me it meant that I’m basically the food that nobody selects on the menu. I’m just there. That made me sad, but I didn’t show it of course. I just laughed along.
The only good thing about having no friends, is that maybe us people tend to better with work. I had friends in Secondary and didn’t meet my potential. College no friends and exceeded expectations. Maybe there’s a positive to it.
But I just can’t help the feelings I get. They attack me. They’re overwhelming and I don’t really have any defence against it. I try and be positive a lot. I’ve improved on this area. Still it’s not enough.
ReplyIt takes time, everyone has their own pace, we never know what future hold us. By my point of view, that someone is just jealous that you're good with your teacher, but I wouldn't think of anything else about those people or "haters" and bullies, I treat them the same. There's no need for me to defend myself from those people because they are not for me. Though I'd admit, I do get myself involve in fights before, that's when they cross the line a bit too far; they said terrible things about my parents and my good friends so I get pissed off. But I didn't fight for myself... though when I feel like to; I shut my whole day and sleep, then wake up the next morning as if nothing happen. If they start again, I have my comebacks ready as I already took my time to analyze the situation. Though I would just speak one or two to them, because I have reputation. Certain times you just have to shut people up, but not always. Take your time, that's it. And if you feel confused, you can always post here in Novni for advices.
ReplyWould you like to talk? It's difficult to meet friends in person, trust me, I understand that completely -.- but you can find really special and meaningful people online! Being lonely is a terrible feeling, and jealousy just doesn't help the situation. Could you bring a book or listen to music? Something that distracts you from those around you?
ReplyI could read a book, listen to music, whatever. Eventually the feelings attack and kick in, then I lose the plot. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just don’t feel normal. My body temperature always feels ridiculously hot because of feeling like this also. It’s so weird.
ReplyHave you ever been examined for social anxiety? There's nothing wrong with you, it's just your personality. Don't feel like it's your fault. It takes a lot of confidence to talk with people, and not everyone has that.
ReplyNever been examined for it. I did get diagnosed with depression, but completely ignored anything they recommend. E.g. meds, therapy... didn’t do any of it, because I believed time would heal. I am less depressed now, so I don’t blame depression for this. I have 0 confidence, and throughout the years, I was almost pumped into trying to be confident. Football clubs, boxing, etc... none of it worked. I don’t know why. Very weird. I think something isn’t normal in my brain or something.
ReplyHmm, you might try researching into that and seeing how it matches. Are you sure your depression has gotten better? Or have you just been living with it for so long that you no long notice the pain? I have both depression and anxiety, and have found meds have helped a ton for the anxiety part of that. It hasn't boosted my confidence, but it has made it easier for me to deal with stress and not hang onto stuff as much. You might see if you can find something to fit. What hobbies do you have? Doesn't have to be big and sporty stuff, maybe like reading or drawing... you could find a group that does that. Then you'd be with people who share similar hobbies, and you could become comfortable around them, enough to talk and hang out. Taekwondo is also great at improving your confidence, if you attempt it.
ReplyI did Taekwondo for 10 years. I think it’s amazing for self-esteem. Confidence, I just never really got it from anywhere.
ReplyMy recommendations aren't really very useful... Are they XD
ReplyNo, I think there is just something abnormal going on with me. Don’t think anyone could help lol.
ReplyI wouldn't say it's abnormal. Really.
ReplyMaybe you could join a fun interest group so it's a more natural way to meet people, because you automatically have something to talk about?
I felt fearful to do a lot of things in my life but I went ahead and did it anyway. You can't let your fears stop you from doing things that you want to do in life.
When you do something a lot of times, the fear goes away. I used to be a very shy person but I worked in customer service for a long time and now no one intimidates me.
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