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I’m losing my mind. My dad is overbearing, controlling, and just the complete opposite of me. He so stressed I am living with him and working for him to keep him going but I can’t bear it. I need to move out. I hate being controlled. I’m getting paranoid that he’s watching my every move. I hear things that aren’t there and always look over my shoulder. I hate working for him. My family is crumbling around me and I’m trying to hold things together but I can’t. My girlfriend has mental issues that are just getting worse for having to take care of me and mine are getting worse trying to take care of her. I have severe anxiety and sometimes depressions. My dreams are either unclear or impossible. The world is a mess. I’ve always been afraid to do and listen to what I want that I’ve never gotten good at them and I feel its impossible. I liked video games and was good at them but my dad hated them and banned me from them. I was semi addicted but it was an escape from this crap life. I try to get that feeling again by sneaking and playing them but now I suck to the point I’m only stressed for failing and stressed hoping my dad doesn’t find out even though I’m and adult. He doesn’t approve of my girlfriend so I broke up with her once and shattered her heart but I got back with her. I don’t dare let my dad know. He constantly talked down on her and her family which was hard on me to hear. However, I’m constantly paranoid about that as well. My dad owns a tree farm and I was immediately put in as some sort of manager despite: 1) having no experience 2) having no interest 3) not wanting to lead. I want to move out but there are so many problems and money and everything is terrifying. Harvest is coming. Its hard work and stressful for me and my dad to boot. I don’t have any friends anymore. I never get out because I hate having to borrow a car from my dad and he always wants to know where I am if I leave. I can’t find a job I want or my mental state can handle, but if it meant getting out of here Id work at McDonald's. I’m falling to pieces. I lack motivation to do anything. I’m too afraid to let my dad see me eat food that he bought because he holds everything against me. I hate getting paid because he’ll hold my financial state against me as well, even if I do work for it. He is a terrible boss, he’s unclear, things have to be his way, and childish at times. It was easier with my sister around because I learned to just not do anything she did like have friends and leave home and he would focus his negativity on her. I even went along with it. But, after treatment for depression, getting married (much to my father’s discontent), and moving out its all on me. Sometimes I wish this house would burn around me. My mother, who passed away when I was young, designed it but all I can feel here is paranoia and fear, instead of loving it like the rest of my family. Sometimes after a bad anxiety or stress attack I can feel my heart beating so hard and wish it would just stop. Sometimes holding my breath just feels good. I’m afraid to die to, however. Not really the dying part but how my family would hate me and what everyone would think of me if I didn’t die the right way. I hate myself so much, I’m lazy, crazy, and just a bad person. I want to do good things but I’m too afraid to. I don’t know what to do so I just sit here and stress out, watching tv shows cartoons, and anime wishing my life could be like that. I don’t really know what I want. From life, besides to be happy somehow. I wanted to do a certain thing but I just don’t have the right personality or mental stability for it to happen. I’m just not the right person. I really want to have friends and do thing things I enjoy without having to worry about being judged. I can never make any decisions. I’m irresponsible. In the end I can always dream of a better life, but it will never come. I hope maybe it can just be better than this. Some people try to help me but I’m afraid to owe people or do things for them because I don’t want to mess up or freak out on them if they are trying to help me. I’m drained. I wrote this because I was mid panic attack and needed to get it off my chest. Also, I’m hoping I can find somewhere to post it to get some help, ill probably ignore anyway. I’m a liar and manipulative. You had to be growing up around my dad. You had to be sneaky and secretive. My sister was too but I’m better. I didn’t want to be like her. Always being insulted and complained about. Him even getting physical once. I know there’s people out there that’s had it worse which makes me feel even worse. I’m just complaining and making it seem worse than it is. I’m just manipulating like I always do. I’m really good at it and manipulate and lie before I even know what I’m doing, but I hate it. I’ve always ran away from my problems and I want to do it again. I wish I could just head to the west coast or a foreign country and start my life anew. I still love my family though. They love me for the most part too, which makes it all hard. It feels like they can’t make it without me, but I can’t make it carrying them all on my back. I need a therapist but I don’t want to trouble someone else, don’t want anyone around the community (I live in a small rural place where everyone either thinks my dad is the most upstanding man to ever walk the earth or the devil himself. Everyone wants dirt on each other, I can’t trust anyone around here to tell anyone anything.) and I can’t afford one right now if I’m going to escape. If. Its all so insane. I have to be careful where I put this because I’ve said enough to give myself away. That’s all I’ve got for now, my panic attack has subsided for the most part but ill have to work… alone… with my father as soon as he gets home. I’m tired, I need some rest. I'm scared. Why is it so hard to post this. I want to get help, even though ill ignore it. I don't what anyone to figure out who I am. I don't want anyone to judge me for everything. For not just using the online therapist but I'm too scared to talk live because I'm nuts. I need to though, maybe something will happen. Maybe things will get worse. They'll get worse anyways, they always do. I deserve this. I used to always say bring it on. Thing would get worse and I'd say bring it on again. I'd say I can take it. I'm tough. I'm supposed to be a least. I'm not really. Here I am now and things just keep getting worse. Its like a noose is tightening around my neck but I know i cant die. Ill just keep dangling. Gasping for air, begging for it. The more i beg the worse it gets. Wasting precious air. Wasting my life. Don't ever say things cant get worse because they always find a way. Thanks for reading.
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Sure man, whatever you say... but if you stay, been through your own hell and keep on pushing, oh man you wouldn't believe the feeling of satisfaction after you get out from it. I had same problem as yours, but worst. Now it feels numb when I look at it back, maybe because I'm getting older. And I think you can too, I believe that in you. I know you would think I'm making this up to cheer you but no, I'm telling you that I've been worst than this, it bores me to talk about it but all I can say is that I got out. And you will too. But you need to be strong... and be stubborn. Though be careful what are you going to say. When you're into worst moment and it gets into your nerves, don't say anything, just sleep through it.
Please remember this from me. I wish you best of luck, may god bless you, I mean it with all my heart.
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