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I'm Tosh and it's nice to meet you. :) I've currently been trying to figure out what in the Sam Hill is going on with me. I've tried looking things up and taking tests but I can't seem to figure out what's happening. Though a part of me is screaming at me that nothing's really wrong. I just want attention. And maybe, in some strange way, I do. I have so many feelings that I wanna get off my chest but can't from fear of hurting or being judged by other people. All the friends I could talk to, I feel bad for even considering laying my small grievances upon, cause they have so many things to deal with already. I don't wanna put more on their plates or trigger something bad to happen. And my parents wouldn't understand. I've tried to tell them that something may be wrong but they just disregard it or, in the case of one of my parents, think I'm back talking/ sassing them and threaten to kick me out. Though, I guess I can't really blame them completely for that one. From the parent's stand point it probably did sound like I was back talking. But "back talking" seems to be the only way to get a word in edge wise with them. They think they're always right about everything and nothing anyone says or does can change their mind. Everyone else is a complete and utter idiot compared to them. So it's hard to talk to said parent about anything without it starting some sort of argument.
So here I am.
Hopefully someone here can maybe shed some light on what might be going on with me. From here on out I'm probably just going to list what I've been feeling cause that feels a lot simpler then trying to write coherent sentences lol.
-not very good concentration
-feeling so worried that I just want to die
-feeling trapped within my worry
-feeling trapped in general
-feeling alone
-feeling like I can't talk to anyone
-sometimes my moods will change from one end of the spectrum to the other (Happy to sad) but they're not as drastic as most Bipolar Disorder tests seem to make it. Like I was fine this morning but then I started getting super worried about something and it kinda just consumed me.
-I constantly think I'm seeking attention
-which leads to me feeling like a horrible human who needs to be put down like a sick animal or beating the crap out of myself (literally. Think Dobby from Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets.) or sometimes both at the same time.
-I feel selfish
-I'm constantly afraid that people hate me or think VERY lowly of me
-I'm paranoid that people talk about me behind my back
-I've started avoiding my friends. (Texting and face to face) I used to go to D&D every Sunday but recently I haven't been up to socialization. I have a friend who's texted me 4 times to see how I am but I'm so afraid that she'll hate me and get mad at me for not texting back sooner.
I have to cut this off here. I'm at work writing this all out cause I couldn't focus on my tasks without my thoughts bombarding me and I'm about to leave for the day. Thank you for listening for as long as you have. <3 I appreciate it more then you know. :)
I hope you have a wonderful day / night and please be safe. <3 <3
~Tosh~
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It sounds like you're having some depression with anxious symptoms which is not unusual. A clinical psychologist can accurately assess your symptoms and help you learn how to manage your symptoms. Don't be afraid to get an evaluation. You can be ok.
ReplyHai.
I have same problem with you. I feel like something goes wrong, but I can't figure it out. And I can't talk to anyone include therapist because they will not understand. I hope we will get out from this darkness someday and have a nice day:)
ReplyThe closest thing you have is a mixture of Social Anxiety Disorder and clinical depression. I have both and have similar, if not exactly the same symptoms. You can’t get rid of these things, but there are coping mechanisms. I like to write novels and short stories personally, pouring all of these things out in some work of fiction. Clinical depression comes in bouts of ups and downs. If you want to talk about it or want more information on it, feel free to ask! I’m no expert, but I was diagnosed with both of these things years ago, so I at least have experience and knowledge
ReplyMy mother has a extremely drastic form of manic depression and its hereditary and my and my oldest siater were both given her little gift , and this sounds alot like manic depression
Reply