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Me and this girl (lets call her hmmm Jess) had been friends since the start of year 7. (we are in the end of year 9 now.) In start-ish of year 8 I decided to move schools to a close-by school. I moved schools and it was just extremely hard to fit in. I had migrated into the popular group. So basically there was about 50 kids in my year (i know it was tiny) and there was two girl groups. The popular group and the not so popular group. I went to the popular group because a girl I was sorta friends with was in it. I did fit in at times but i was just so shy and anxious because they all intimidated me. It was so bad. I had no close friends. I just hated my life. I heard some news from Jess, she said she was most likely coming to my school at the start of year 9. I was extremely unhappy with my group and was thinking about joining the other group but i was always too afraid and in a routine. Jess was my light at the end of the tunnel.
Fast forward to the start of year 9 and Jess had arrived. This was my chance to go to the other group. The not so popular group is just so nice and easy to get along with. Me and Jess were inseparable. She was my actual saviour. Of course we both made other great friends but we were both each others closest friend. We would be partners in everything. Everything was great. At the end of term 2 was when everything changed. During term 2 i had a couple of breakdowns and she was always there for me. She had always been there for me no matter what. So basically something extremely bad happened between my Mum and I. (I'm not gonna go into detail.) I was very suicidal and i wrote a big ass suicide letter and emailed it to a couple of my friends. I had a bit of a fall out with one of my friends. Everything in my life was actual crap. Jess around this time was a little bit distant as she was friends with the friend I had a fallout with. At the end of lunch someone told me something about me and my friend's fallout and that is when i broke. I fell onto the floor in the locker room balling my eyes out. Jess was there in an instant. She held me in her arms as i cried. I said, "I needed you so bad and you weren't here." I told her about how much I don't want to be alive, etc. I had to go to the school teacher and stuff and I was put on suicide watch lmao. Then a couple days later the school had been going through my emails as a precaution and found my suicide letter. I was kicked out of school until i was able to get a psychologists agreement that i was well enough to go to school. Anyways Jess was there with me through it all. I had been planning on killing myself and was going to do it sometime during that week. If she had not been there when i broke down i can assure you i would have not been here today. This is because she was crying and telling me how fricking sad she would be if i died. It put everything in perspective and i decided to fight for her. Eventually things got better. I always knew she would be there and have my back through everything. When ever I was down and suicidal she would be there. She was the only one who could help me. She was my saviour. But i did something and she never helped me again. I did something which hurt a mutual friend of ours. I was so hurt because of this and was extremely depressed again. The first time i had a breakdown she came rushing and held me. A teacher found me and dragged me away from her. I cried, "I need Jess." It was so sad. There was something I didn't know though. Jess was getting tired from having to help me all the time and had had enough. The next day during class i just started crying and ran to the bathroom. But this time she didn't follow me. Another friend came to see if i was okay but she didn't know how to help me like Jess did. I had no one. I had to fight it on my own. I hated life. She was still my friend and this rate but she was drifting away. At times we would be close and we would be all huggy and stuff but it was all different. She was just so salty towards everyone. Her mood swings were unpredictable. She started cutting me off and was becoming close with other people. She was still my entire world and it hurt me seeing her so close with other people. It just got worse and worse. No matter what she would always be up for a hug. One day i went to give her a hug and she pushed me off her. I tried a couple more times over the week and the same thing happened. This is the first time I didn't know how to act with her. She had hurt me so much every time she was close with another friend and when we pushed me off her. I decided to write a letter to her discussing absolutely everything. It ended up being like 3000+ words. At the end of the 3rd term I put it in her lunchbox for her to find at home over the holidays. I am currently in the holidays right now and she has not contacted me. She took me out of her private story on snapchat and is just super rigid. I just wish i knew what i had to make her this cold to me. Everyone tells me to just move on and forget about her. No one will understand the things we have gone through. No matter how hard i try i can't seem to let her go. She saved my life and she means the whole world to me. I have cried countless times because i miss her so incredibly much. When ever i have a down moment all I can think of is how much i need her. I don't have many friends and the ones I do just cannot comfort me and help me like she can. I hope she comes back to me eventually. School comes back soon and I will see her again. I can't even look her in the eyes anymore or be anywhere near her because she has just been constantly hurting me so much. Anyways I just wrote this because I wanted to get things off my chest. Thanks for reading x
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I teared up reading this. I can not imagine being in your place and I am sorry that happened to you and this happened between you and the most important person in your life. I am sure you can go through it because, after all of those, you are still here to write this amazing story for us to read. See how awesome of a fighter you are???
I believe in you and I believe you can go through everything, I am here for you.
Thanks for existing!!!!xxxx
ReplyWow I totally felt your pain in that sorry you have to go through that. If she dont want to acknowledge you she's not worth your time its her loss. You sound like a good person I know how it is for a friend to just ditch you and leave you. I understand how you feel i have absolutely 0 friends so be thankful at least you have a few even if they aren't close. I can tell your strong or you wouldn't still be here you'll be ok keep fighting im rooting for you. Take care hugs ❤
ReplyI'm sending you love! I know you can get through this.
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