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We met in one of THE most unusual places where you wouldn't expect to find true love...on a 'porn website' we both had accounts on there and we started messaging each other. We then moved to talking on skype and fell in love. We didn't even SEE each other until after a long while. We literally only met in person like 5 times for 10 hours each. We literally spent only approx 50 hours together in real life. Yet it felt soooo long like I just came out of a whole life experience. It was and will always be 'the love of a lift time'. Never do I ever expect to love or be loved like the way WE have loved each other ever again in my life. Infact I've given up on it right now. I don't really know how to fix my life and bring it back together without you IN it. 5 years is a damn long time. I will never forget you and will probably cry for the rest of my life. I'm going to stay far away from you and your happiness and success. You said you wanted freedom from me and my drama so here you go. Guess you got it all. I hope you are happy. I just can't seem to show that same happiness and kindness to myself... I don't really know how to love and respect myself anymore. I don't understand... it was so beautiful and so real and now it's all gone. I knew it 'might' end someday but I expected us to be stronger than everyone else. I didn't think this year would be the year be break apart. I miss you so much and still love you like crazy. But for some reason I don't think I will be brave enough to look into your eyes in real life. I'm so scared and terrified and all on my own now. You weren't ever here in my life physically but you WERE here emotionally and mentally... I know I have my whole life ahead of me and so do you but I can't...I just can't. How much longer is it going to take to get over with all this pain? It hurts so much! It's so painful I can't even describe it. I can't believe you're doing so well and have moved on so quickly, not that I'm in any place to judge how long it should be since everyone is different. It's just that I love you so much...so much...so so soooo much and now you're not here and everything has fallen apart. My first relationship has fallen apart. I hate dating, I hate moving from person to person. I KNOW I deserved to be loved but in this whole world I don't think there is anyone who can love me as much as I am capable of loving them. I think this was it. This was as close to loving and being loved as I will ever get. The thought of you being with someone else is killing me. The thought that you will give another woman everything that I wanted and repeatedly asked for. Yet shes going to get everything from you without even asking for it. Your love, your respect, a life with you, children. Oh my goodness I will never be a mother. (cries) I really tried really hard to keep us together. Believe me I really did...I did everything in my power that I could to keep you happy, even if that meant letting you win everytime, even when you were wrong. I know we had such difficult times and we are not together anymore but I just can't. I've closed mysel off to all possibilities of love. I just can't do it. I will never give your space to anyone. Never.
I just feel sooo lost and hopeless. I don't where to start, or what to do, or who to talk to about all this. It's all gone. I still can't quite believe it...(cries)
All I now is it was real. All of it. I hate myself for doing this to myself and allowing myself to feel all this pain over and over. I guess I was always right when I said I always loved you more. Guess you really didn't love me enough. I don't regret it. It's just awful that we are not together anymore. Awful.
(Blanks out)
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