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I have always been a romantic person. Although I had only one serious relationship at the age of 17 for 8 months, I gave it all I had. My time, my energy, money, love, interest. I literally lived for that one person I loved from the bottom of my heart.
People often say, "Hey, but you have your family and friends. You can't be that lonely.". They were right in one thing. I had both things they said I did, but there are different types of love. You can love your mom, dad, sister, best friend. All these people. Endlessly. But there will come a time when you realize that deep inside of you, you have this temptation. An unspoken emotion or feeling. That feeling is love for your spouse. And that is what I have been suffering from. I could felt it suffocating inside of me and dragging its way out. It needed to be felt.
Since 8 months passed and I was single again, 4 long years had passed away and I am soon to be 21. As I started to look for a relationship, I would have a one-night stand. It was very awkward from the beginning. But after some time passed again, I realized that guys don't want me (Boom! Yas, I am gay. Homophobic people can now close this article). So I lowered my expectations. I lowered them so low that I started to have sex with basically anybody that would text me. Even older men or guys I did not physically like. I soon began to ask myself: "Why do you do this? Why do you sleep with people you don't want to?".
I think the question was easy to answer. I did it because it was the only way I could feel somebody actually wants me and cares about me. Even though it was just sex and absolutely no strings were attached, I still felt like I belong to somebody, even for a few minutes. With no boy in sight, I dived deeper in these activities. I felt I was losing the ability to love somebody. When somebody finally showed some kind of interest I would just find flaws just to avoid a commitment. And so now I sat down again, asking myself a different question this time, "Will I ever find the one?". I know it's funny and somehow lame to ask these questions at the beginning of life. I am soon to be 21. I shall not be afraid of these questions. I just cannot help myself to stop worrying about it. Last three attempts of relationship initiated by me ended up catastrophically. I feel like I do not deserve a guy that would love me. Who would love a whore that fucks everything that has a dick? I know that those things I did were and are not okay. But what else will fill this hole (do not think of anything sexual at this moment) in my heart that is just getting bigger and bigger? Well, I guess we'll see.
If you want to know, how my "love life" if I can even afford to call it that way, is turning out, comment down below.
Have a nice day. Or at least try to do so,
-B26
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I say this as a opinion you are awake and writing this,so from where I stand you are looking for something, what ever that thing is that is up to you. If you can try to just sit and think and reflect on what happened and why find what is bad and remember it that way you won’t do it again and you will know when someone else does it. I don’t know if that makes sense but I tried
ReplyI don't know if this helps but thirst of love (love - sense of genuine belonging and being cared for) is very unbearable however the manner I deal with it is different. I do it thru buying books. You can say I am addicted to buying any book I like despite not reading every page even with a little paycheck. I seem so lost in my life despite being in my late twenties. I still have no direction and very frustrated. But believe me, admitting it to yourself is the beginning. I began writing journal every single day and it help me at least to manage my emotions little by little. It is my way learning myself than before. My advice is to learn to love yourself because there's no one except yourself who can and who will. As of now, I am struggling to love myself. I read somewhere that if you start to writing at least 3 things you're grateful for 21 days, there will be an inner change within you. This practice makes you build a positive outlook in life. On this day, I am on my 14th day. There's hope start looking inside. It is just hidden and needs to be brought out in the open waiting for you. Hope this helps. Thank you.
ReplyThank you for your kind advice. I have been keeping a journal for about 6 to 7 years now, and I write there something every now and then. I write something and then I don't write anything for like a year... It depends on the mood. But I see your point :) Thank you, again, very much!
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