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"I think, therefore I am."
I can't think anymore.
Or maybe...
I don't know what to think anymore. Every time I have something to say, every time I find something wrong, its just not worth the time anymore. Everything is off. I don't know where to go or what to do.
I'm lost. God I'm so lost. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to die, but the drive of self-preservation is just too high. But god, every fiber in me just wants to cease being.
So I don't have to think.
It's like having a hyper-active monkey with a TV remote, and my brain is the TV. People laugh when I make this analogy, but no one ever seems to take in the gravity of this situation. I can't control my thoughts.
If I have music, sound; SOMETHING playing to focus on, I can be fine. But if there is nothing, if there is no one, I can't control it. It spirals so far out of control that it shows my mind's eye things I never would conceive of my own accord...yet I do.
My mind and body feel as if they operate independently of one another. Hell...sometimes I feel like they're at odds, but the person who is ME is nothing more than a spectator, watching quietly from the sidelines.
"Watching as my hands do tasks that I have no control over", a quote from Eternal Darkness, but just as fitting. Sometimes I don't feel in control of my own body, that its just...ln this strange, fugue-auto-pilot state that just keeps going, regardless of how tired I feel, or how sleepy I am, or however close to the edge I feel like breaking I may be.
I just go forward. On, and on, and on.
It takes me back to Harlan Ellision's "I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream".
Every part of me hurts, from the physical to the metaphysical- a veritable flensing of both mind and spirit. Yet despite every deep, stinging cut, I can only go onward. I can't tell anyone around me how I feel, they depend on me for THEIR emotional support.
They just...rely on me for it, thinking me this bottomless wellspring.
But I need....I don't know what it is I need. I just need...anything, I guess.
I don't know why I wrote this. Maybe there's someone out there who will see it and understand. I doubt it...very much. Understanding, REAL understanding is something in short supply these days, on all accounts.
I feel like I cannot wander.
I feel like I cannot wonder.
I feel like I cannot belong.
I feel that I can only merely, be.
Sometimes, just being is enough. But there are days like this where the air is extra cold and the night extra dark, where I stare into the nothing and wonder...is it wrong for me to want more? Do I deserve more? Probably not. Not at all. Maybe this is comeuppance. Some form of karmic backlash for mistakes made as a child.
I don't know. I can't presume to know.
I only know myself. And myself, is tired. It is beaten. It is downtrodden and seeks just one 24 hour cycle of legitimate peace of mind that once seemed so easy to obtain.
Without having something I say be disregarded by those close to me, because it was convenient at the time.
Without having my thoughts hijacked by this depressing monkey on my back.
Without...without the noise of life. Just one day. But those days do not come, they never will.
But, I'll walk forward anyway. I have no choice not to but to take it or die. And my desire to live continues to outweigh my hate.
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Just know that your words are understood and you are not alone in this loneliness of life that needs living.
ReplyI’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. I can’t relate, but I do know what you’re going through must be tough. I admire your perseverance. I know it seems like it won’t, but things can and will get better. I would suggest seeking some sort of professional support, like maybe the stuff that’s on this site.
ReplyYour second and third sentence (following the quote) are lies to yourself. Or at least, philosophically speaking, they are incorrect. Personally I belive that if you cannot think or do not know what to think, then you would not have written/typed out this whole idea of what you are feeling/thinking right now. I know life can be confusing sometimes and I get that it may seem like an empty void (which honestly is common among ALL human beings, so don't feel alone ❤) but actually, an empty feeling is still a feeling! In some strange and ironic way, it's still proof of your existence.
You beautiful child, do not see yourself as simply some self-preserved life form, and certainly don't you DARE view yourself as an unworthy individual. What would possibly make you think you don't deserve fine things in life?! Live it large and wonderfully, for we ALL deserve good in our time shared here on earth!! :D Stop telling yourself everyone else comes first. Stop self-sacrificing. I get that you must be very selfless, to be depended on for OTHERS' emotional support. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be treated just as equally in emotion as them. It doesn't mean that you can't tell those around you how YOU feel. What makes this situation different? Nothing sweetie! ^.^ Talk it out! Keeping all emotions, thoughts, and or feelings inside is bad for you, ESPECIALLY when you're alone.
Now psychologically speaking, one of the number 1 rules that we all should know is that isolation = depression. It's just a part of human nature. And you know what else is a part of being human? The self-fulfilling prophecy. Have you ever heard of that? I won't define it for you but I will definitely conclude this: You actually ARE in full control of your own life, believe it or not. If you've been telling yourself that you don't want to live, then your mind will only focus on all ideas and concepts recolved around that very desire.
But here's the tricky part: if you don't admit to both yourself and others what you are truly feeling deep down, then it will build up and explode right before your eyes. So you'd be more likely to reflect the pain in a physical manner (the truth always finds its way out somehow, as even a bottled up analogy has its limits). Rather than all that, accept your feelings aloud. Run right through that pain, don't go around it. Even if you felt like you still couldn't speak about it with friends by this point.. well, then come to us here at Novni! We're always happy to hear a vent or help with advice! ((; plus, didn't it feel good to let some of that confession out to us already? Or did it feel at least a LITTLE better? c:
When you said that maybe there'd be someone out there to understand but probly not, well even that in itself can be a confusing and general sentence. But again, don't go thinking that that means I'M not understanding you either, because I am. The feeling of not being you, of not being your actual self. The feeling of a lost identity, of floating, or hovering over your own body, as if you're already dead. I get it friend, trust me I do. I was suicidal long ago, back before a site like this existed. And boy was the overall feeling numb.. I could've sworn my own skin wasn't mine, considering i hadn't even felt sh*t after cutting myself. But again, many people feel this way. And it's not to say that you're not special or unique, because again, you ARE.
And THAT'S the stuff I'm talking about when I say you're being too general. We all have struggles, and sure the sufferings are the things that we commonly share. But it is a different COMBINATION of feelings (both the bad AND good) that we all experience. We have our own TYPES of struggles and sufferings AND strengths AND successes. So maybe I don't know EXACTLY what you're going through at this moment, but I've been there man. Maybe it wasn't as bad as your situation, or maybe it was worse. Does that really even matter though. Quantities in this case usually shouldn't. Just know that I'm here for you love. We ALL are, and regardless what you may THINK on this one, people do care. Me AND other commenters are here for you; that's a fact. We may not always say the right things, but we're trying BECAUSE we care about you ^=^
Why else would i dedicate so much of my time in typing all of this to you ^-^
Ps
Do not be afraid of the nothingness, as that is just as much a part of who we (all commonly) are. Embrace it, and then purpose and REALL feeling will come back into your life. Because obviously meaning is what keeps us all feeling alive! 🌈
ReplyI appreciate it. I really do. But, not to be antagonistic, or disagreeable, because I do believe the things you say; or rather I feel that I want to, that it is so very very true, but whatever mental teflon that's left just won't let it stick
I don't know what to do with myself. You would think "Oh play a game, find a hobby, do something with your time" would be such an easy answer for me. I have time, I have games and a little pocket change.
But I sit here, day two without having eaten anything significant (two candy corns do not a meal make). I feel the pain in my stomach. I feel the nausea of not eating. My head spins, and when I stand I nearly lose my footing.
In all accounts: I'm falling apart. And I'm just...WATCHING. I'm seeing it, I know what it is and I know that it's bad. But...it just goes. My body is wasting away before me and I don't care. And then I wonder..."Why don't I care? It's my body. I need it to be healthy. I need it to be up and running at 100% so I can do the things I need to do."
But I don't. I go to eat food, ravenously hungry sometimes. I'll look at it and lose my hunger. Or I'll take a couple of bites and feel all of the sudden full and disinterested.
I get up. I go to work. I go to my desk. I waste away.
I do nothing. I produce nothing.
I sit and write on Novni because some part of me feels connected to strangers who've never known me in some way, because some how the tangled mess of thoughts that gets translated to written text is somehow understood.
I feel trapped. Every day I feel trapped and I can't tell the people closest to me because it'll just push them away. They'll balk and rebuke, wonder why I held it in the whole time and just get upset.
No need to upset the apple cart. If I've been doing it this long, I can keep doing it forever I guess.
ReplyYou do realize though that you are living an an EMOTIONALLY unhealthy way right? Well actually nutrition adds to the way that you feel as well.. So just to teach you something a little interesting, our brains and bodies are kind of connected in this intertwined cycle. For example, my name is SleepyBanana. I have my mind set to depression, therefore I feel depressed right at this moment. But I wont tell anyone. What happens if I keep it in? I explode! Hopefully metaphorically or emotionally just by shouting at the top of my lungs but sometimes people get more physical and harm others or do self harm/suicide. I also don't eat well, therefore my body effects my brain. The brain senses my malnourishment, clouding my proper judgement. Therefore I feel this continuous negative attitude. And the cycle continues; I think to myself "I don't want to eat" which is very unhealthy for me... It's paradoxical really lol but the good news is that is works both ways. For instance I'm SleepyBanana and I'm feeling pretty happy right now. I decide I want to eat a very good meal. So I end up staying feeling happy afterward. The good food in me is what sends the signals of positivity to my brain, and the cycle goes on yet again (:
Also, did you that there's a difference between short term and long term pleasures? The short term only feels the emty void temporarily (ex. Sex, drugs, boos, foods, gifts, television, video games etc.) But you want to work more toward long term goals for a more lasting and fulfilling happiness (ex. A career that you actually enjoy, finding love with family/friends/others, puting talents to use, basically EARNING things) which you may notice is all about BUILDING and finding structure. That's way we all desire to stay in late at home and do absolutely nothing.. but end up feeling "worthless" after sitting on the couch for too long. People are made and meant for purpose, for having a REASON in life. I also feel like I'm typing too much and I don't wish to bother you I swear I'm just trying to help lol but if you no longer seek my advice, I'll just stop now ((:
BUT if you ever need further guidance or more explanation and understanding, I'm totally here for you. Unless of course this was just support and an ear that you needed for venting 😅
ReplyI'll have to make an account on Nonvi sometime soon.
Thanks.
ReplyNo problem! Anytime ((:
Replyi'm not going to offer you support as it's so written up there! i know i can't, i know i can try, but what good would it do? i know for a fact that just being honest is better than saying sweet, sugary things, and giving support like, 'it's gonna be okay. just keep on holding on!' i can see that you are already doing that.
what i can actually do is just pray for you, pray for myself, and all those who are like us, who don't think anyone understands or even has the slightest hint what's going on in these heads of ours. who keep on going when it seems impossible to. who just heave themselves out of bed when gravity is at its fullest. who find that everything's so dark and that the sky is falling. i can only hope for that ONE DAY when we do get peace. just for 24 hours as you said.
ReplyThis made me cry. I can relate to it in a way that I really wish I couldn’t. I guess just knowing others feel the same way makes it a little better. Keep writing, you’re amazing. One day maybe you’ll have something else to write about.
ReplyIt does help to know that somewhere out there, someone understands. Even if its just a small amount.
There are ninjas cutting onions in my house too. I'm sorry though, I wasn't trying to make you upset.
Reply