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When I was younger, I had severe thanatophobia (fear of death). I had nightmares and I'd suddenly have a breakdown during school because I was so scared. It got to the point where I had to go to therapy. I am still scared, but on a much smaller scale.
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Now i have Anthrophobia (fear of humans). Usually my hands or feet start to tremble severely and i cant control it. Whenever I am around people I get so scared that theyre looking at me and judging. Especially at school, in the hallways ill try to not even lock eyes with anyone. The only way for me to be comfortable out in public is if it is near someone i am super close with, then i can be more normal.
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This has lead to severe anxiety and mild depression, and self harm has crossed my mind multiple times.. Sometimes when im out in public all i wanna do is kill myself. Like, i dont say it in a joking way. I imagine ways in which i could do so. I dont just want it, i need it. I need the sweet bliss of death to let me escape from his torture
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Isnt it ironic that sometimes i ask for one of things that i am most afraid of?
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Life in itself is ironic, yes. Have you talked with your therapist about your deep desire to "kill yourself" when out in public? Also, the fear of people and the perception/possibly that they're judging you usually derives from an internal insecurity.. do you maybe have some self conscious situation that needs some care or tending to? And lastly, I'm no expert but I do believe that your feelings towards other people is different from their actual intentions when seeing you, which is completely harmless.
What I mean by that is two things. 1) Every one judges. That's a PART of human nature. You and I are technically doing it right now! I never mean to judge and I at least hope you never mean to do it either (although even me saying that is judging if you paradoxically and confusingly think about it lol see?) but that's just the way it is. For instance, maybe one person tells another "i don't like that you always stare at me and give me dirty looks.". That's still THEM judging the starer TOO! .o.
2) But everything has a reason. And in this case even though we are ALL judgy people, we do it by instinct as natural observers. Often, we mean well. Basically what I'm trying to tell you is; how do you have friends? And not in a mean way or not asking YOU personally. I just mean in general lol how do WE have friends? How do we MAKE them? You say that there are some people you are super close with, but how did that happen? How did you become close? They had to get to know you first, right? Or else they already knew you, depending how close they are. But That's exactly it! :D that's all i mean by it. People look at you and "judge" you because it's apart of being human to just be curious. To look around and say "why does that happen?" or "WHAT happened?" or "Is he/she cool?" and 'cool' as in compatable. "Can i talk to her? could we be friends? (: "
Again I'm not like some professional therapist *like the one that you DO talk to* but I want to be able to guide and support in anyway possible that I can ^-^ I hope this helps at least a little, good luck! ^=^
<3
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