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Sometimes i think about stuff. Stuff like how i think my face is really ugly from certain views and that i will NEVER be able to escape that. Or how everything we do in life - all the work, all the school, all the loss and life and hurt, its all for nothing, because we all just die in the end. I think about how much less pain I'll have to go through if its all just over. I think about how i can just speed up the process of life by ending it now. Its going to take forever to get to where I want to be and every time i think about it i want to cry because i dont actually know if i'm ever going to even make it that far. I think about my routine, and how i hate it. I hate what i do, but I love it. Its troubling because i wan tit to be over. I want everything to end. I don't want to exist because this world is hardly something to live for. But then i see it. I think about Ashlynn and how amazing i think she is. I think about my friends and all the fun we have,i think about my mom, and my best friend, and a future that i want and can see and i want to live. My problem is, my desire to die, and my desire to live are so evenly tied, that it can go either way. I wish i didn't feel this way. It hits at random points and theres nothing i can do about it. Sometimes i just get to thinking. We don't even do anything. We live for an average of 78 years, which is NOTHING. Why do we just make it so hard? Why, for that short amount of time, do we make people feel like cutting it even shorter. Why would anyone want to grow up now? Why would anyone want to be alive now? It's times when i think about this that I just want to disappear.
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