Illusional love

I don't know till now what caused this fallout,and I hope I will never find it also, I don't know if she would ever know about this blog or ever will think of me for a single second in her so called busy life.

It all started with a simple "hii", I am still confused if not paying heed to her text would have saved me from my pain, or that I should be happy enough that I gave her the attention and invited my never ending pain.

I am still confused if she played with me or I let her play with myself ,

We were best friends or buddies that every teenager in his teenage would want, from helping each other the night before exams to trying to solve each other's problems at late night, from helping each other during our emotional crisis, she and I both knew we were evolving from best friends to something else.

Life was good and happy until I decided to to see what she really felt,for she was the most prettiest girl I had ever met in my life ,I was a total waste 😂, her family was different and so was mine and I had no hope that she would tell yes and if she says also it will not go on long term, Nervous ,confused ,excited I texted her "i love u"exactly at 12 in the night it was April 1 and I knew if anything goes wrong also I would still have her as my friend cause it was April fool's night ,i know you all can call me a fool or whatever you wish, but at that time ,all i cared about was her staying in my life. I eventually never thought she would tell me "yes".

But I don't know what happened that night , I don't know if it was some kind of a magic

Or if it was just simply my day ,she didn't said a direct "yess" instead of it she sent me song , I didnt understand her intention at first ,but the moment i heard and understood the lyrics , i knew I had won the battle, that feeling that happiness I had that day I just simply can't express it, happiest moment in my life till now.

From there on started another phase of my life, I was in love, for the first time , but I didn't know if I should really believe her or not for i thought how can a girl like her fall in love with a guy like me who has no idea about his life.

I thought that it was a mistake to tell her about how I felt and told her that I had merely pranked her and that it was never going to work out . She told me that it was okk and she didn't felt hurt at all and that we will always be the friends we were.

The next day I saw her at school , it was the beginning of our new sessions, I walked in front of her said good morning, she gave the same reply that she used to give me earlier but that day her voice her actions just didn't felt the same like before, I knew she was hiding the pain but I just thought ignoring it would be nice for both of us.

That day after that i didn't say anything at all to her, but I felt that she was stalking me every chance she got,when a girl sat beside me and talked with me she got really mad and sad , seeing her like that made me believe that no she is really in love and I should be with her, knowing that we won't last forever, our families won't agree , I forgot each and everything that moment, all I could see that the one I would love to spent my life with.

My biggest problem was that I failed to express my feelings at the right time, now I feel like I should have but I just couldn't ,

Each and every time she tried to do the best for me but though I became satisfied , I always told her that no I wasn't , I don't know if it's wrong to expect the best from a person that you truly love.

Each relationship must have a mental , emotional and physical support , I got both from her , but during physical she hid the person inside her, I thought it was my duty to cover her flaws and to get the best out of her, I won't say she didn't try but if I had accepted that she tried the best she wouldn't have tried harder the next time.

She once told me I will try and change for you just give me some time, I even accepted that and realised that no my decision of holding on her was not wrong , I mean a girl wants to change just for you , on hearing this i thought its not she that should change, why can't be the change start from me, why can't I instead of taking her to my world , go to her world . she again gave me the best I could ask from her,I never told her that I no more wanted intimacy from her all I wanted and wished was for her time, I failed to say her that , I thought I would say it at the perfect time at the perfect moment, but I never knew that when I would be ready to say it she would not even try to understand and hear it.All when I thought was going nice and well, when I thought and I accepted that not being with her would have been the biggest

regret of my life, she proved me wrong , suddenly she was becoming busy , our calls of 1 hour now came down merely to just 10 mins or less , I thought for a second that maybe it was going somewhere bad, but I trusted my love , she would come online only at night and told me that she was online only for me, but I wanted her bad , I wanted back the girl who would give the same time like she used earlier, if loving someone and then wanting time in return is a crime ,then maybe I am a criminal.

I still remember the night when we last spoke as us and not as him and her

She told that she was having thoughts of me very bad, she wanted me, but I was angry at her for not giving me time that I deserved ,

Angry people say many harsh words but when someone truly loves . Is his/her not duty to understand when his soulmate is really sad, I know I had been bad at expressing my feelings but did she understand? I let her have control of my life, be the pilot of my plane, was it not her duty to let me understand about the situation, or just leave and let go of the person whom you love.

I don't know what happened at the last maybe she thought of me as that kind of a person who used her only for intimacy.

She didn't even gave a reason when she left,

All that she could offer me when she left was "u will forget me, my feelings for you have changed" , "I shouldn't have said you yess"..

She told me I didn't give you reason when I came and won't give a reason why I left.

After all this..

I am still confused if it was all fake from the beginning , the girl whom I loved if she also felt the same.

I don't how feelings change for a person whom you love , one day you matter to them next they treat you like you never existed at all.

"I know I am not perfect for this world , but is the world perfect for anyone who is imperfect in their own words"

I know it's hard but if you were hurt could you not tell me the reason of your silence..

You said you loved me could you not accept me at my bad.

I don't know if you sacrificed me for someone or for your own problems but am I that bad that I can't even know the reason why you are gone..