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Feeling so lonely. Feeling the need to express myself but I don’t want to put it on social media for everyone to see. I just want to be able to talk to someone. Share my feelings with someone who can understand. I’ve been in a relationship with someone for over a year. Moved states to live with him. I’ve been in the house for about 3 months. Looking for part time work before I start my full time job next year. I’m in the house alone by myself every day. It’s miserable. He works for 12 hour shifts and can’t have his phone during work. I know no one around me. I literally spend all day in the house. Almost too alone and depressed to do anything about it but just hide from life. I miss my family. It’s so hard to be away from them and my boyfriend wants to move away even farther. I’m afraid I’ve made a mistake but leaving isn’t that simple. I have so many doubts but I love him and can’t pull the plug. I don’t know if he is who God has for me. I feel like if he was I’d know.
My period just ended so I shouldnt be feeling this helpless or lonely. We just got into a fight before one of his shifts because of something stupid. He’s so quick to get angry over the smallest things. He almost has 0 empathy and compassion for any feelings. I feel like he doesn’t understand me and that is one of the most frustrating feelings because no matter how much you try to explain yourself it never gets through.
I’m feeling really empty and hopefulness. I just want someone to talk to that understands. I find it hard to make meaningful friendships because i struggle to connect with other women on deeper levels and values.
I’m a Christian but my life hardly reflects it. I feel so much shame and hypocrisy for almost everyhing I do. From how I think and how I act. I constantly worry about where I’ll end up when I die. I feel so unworthy of heaven and fear hell. I’m constantly struggling with myself. What I know I should be doing but what I’m not. What I’m not doing that I know I should. I talk to God but it’s hard when it’s not like having a conversation with a person. I know he talks but I find it so hard to hear because I don’t know how to listen to him. I know he understands me completely but he seem so far and yet so close at the same time.
I have so much more to say but I’m just so tired. It’s too much to type..
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ReplyMy dear friend,
Please know that I understand where you are coming from.
Friend, one thing you should know is that according to Scripture, we are all unworthy of heaven. Our sins are many, and only the blood of Christ can cover them. What the Lord has forgiven is completely wiped clean. The cross is big enough to cover any wrong. If you've asked for forgiveness, it will not be withheld from you. I'm not saying that continuing in sin is acceptable, but that our God's forgiveness is great. What the Lord has forgiven is as far from you as the east is from the west, so rest easy, friend.
Living with the guilt from this is difficult, and I struggle greatly with it too. It is incredibly hard to escape the repetitive cycle of living in shame. There is no real, clear solution. But I know your pain, and I am praying for you about it.
I know how hard it is to feel alone. This past summer, I spent two months in China and had never felt more secluded. The passage in Psalm 139:7-12 was a large comfort for me, reminding me that even when I feel far from everything familiar and even far from God, He never stops chasing after my heart and He never stops loving me. That kind of restless, faithful, and pure love is about the only thing that keeps me going.
To wrap this up, in Mark 5:41, it says, "Taking her by the hand he said to her, 'Talitha cumi,' which means, 'Little girl, I say to you, arise.'"
My friend, I pray that you find the peace and fullness you so desperately need.
Best,
A
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