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Many things in my family were tabu. Sort of control. I’m also having control issues now and as an teenager I started to watch porn. First using it as a relief of stress. To make myself feel good and aroused, instead of feeling heavy, stressed and negative. This was a sort of escape. But today I see it as a trap. Something that instead of giving me joy, gave me emptiness. I’m addicted. I’m not this addict who needs to do it every day. But I’m enough addicted to do it once in a while. And every time I want to stop the feeling of doing it just rise. I’m not happy. The guilt and the knowledge of the wrong sides are hurting me. This makes it all worse. More difficult to stop. Because when watching it no one can stop me. It’s my secret. My escape of reality. I even hide from god. This is not me. I’ve lost myself. Gained weight. I’m still stressed. Wanting to control everything. I don’t want to stop here. Years of addiction. So much suffering. Not because of that. Because of my choices. Wrong guy. The one I was so in love with. He broke my heart. He used me. Then my parents divorce. All years of struggle. My dad. Who I can’t trust. My studies. And then, my rise. I fell, but I didn’t give up. I have a loving boyfriend now. A family who is trying to live a normal life. Soon done with my studies. Only my weight loss left. And this stupid addiction. I think that they have something to do with each other. They are both holding me down. I don’t like myself. I know who I can be. And this is not the best version. I’m so tired. Of fighting all the time. Against what? I will still die some day. Will this matter? And still I want to do things. I want to fight. But I don’t have the capacity to make the last changes. This makes me sad. Takes away my fire. Right now I want to become what I used to be. A person who was pure. In the mind and heart. This made me free. So this is my final battle. Help me.
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I am struggling with the same thing. You are not and will never be alone. Just forget the guilt. It's your body and everyone has done this. Even your grandparents!!(not to sound nasty) Just try to think more about yourself and not others.
ReplySomeone who is pure of heart, has good intentions, and means no harm. I believe you are still pure of heart.
Reply