My Unsent Letter

Dear birds, I’ve never understood you. Specifically, I’ve never understood how some of you can sit in cages for hours at a time and still sing without a care in the world. You’re stuck in this tiny, unnatural space, and what do you do? Sing. For some odd reason you sing songs of happiness and joy. I’ve never understood that. Sometimes I feel caged. My caged come in many different forms, some of which I’ve moved on from, and some of which I haven’t encountered yet, but all of my cages have been places I don’t want to be caged in. For example, life, family, school, myself, etc. Things like this have a tendency to cage me. I hate it and sometimes I come so close to freedom but I can’t escape. I feel like my mind is trying to separate me from everything I ever loved. My friends and family all seem to hate me, I’m not doing very well in school, I don’t have as much passion in my art form, and my life seems to be falling apart. It’s like my brain is poisoning itself and it’s forcing me to find the solution, but everytime I find it my brain smacks it out of my hands in a hissy fit like a toddler. I feel like this is a mess but I also feel like I need to explain more. I’m currently depending on my peers as my unprofessional therapy. I’ve pinned everything on them and if I loose them I’m sure I’ll loose myself (not trying to put stress on you if you’re reading this). I keep trying to find some way to get help but it causes more and more problems each time. To begin with, I started by telling my friend(s) how I felt. It’s been so long I don’t remember how many people I told. That just caused me to feel like I was running in circles. Then I told my parents about my suicidal thoughts and everything I’ve been feeling. I got yelled at for having bad thoughts like that. I got the classic “If you ever say something like that again, I swear to God I will...”, as if I can turn these thoughts on and off. I even tried explaining that but it made things worse. I keep getting called “moody” and such when I’m pretty sure moody teens don’t turn to suicide. And before I get the “just move out” or “get a job” comments, it’s currently illegal. I’m back to telling friends how I feel which makes me feel like I’m running in a circle again, but I am debating going to the school counselor even though I feel uncomfortable with her for unknown reasons. It might be because I’ve barely talked to her, I don’t even know at this point. Honestly I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m singing, but I’m singing a sad song of misery. It’s like I’m at a wedding and singing some sort of song from a funeral service. Currently everything feels ugh and I don’t want to do anything. I feel like yelling at someone while also sobbing into their shirt like it’s a Real Housewives show. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of currently being awake too so I might stop this right here. Well, have fun I guess, Shortbread.