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To summarize my whole situation in one word it would be; complicated.
Honestly, to fall for the guy I denied rumors about having a crush on, for three years straight, was such a bad idea. I don't who gave my heart permission to do this but I know one thing for sure they are cruel. I don't even know if it's crush or some messed up infatuation. I'm going out of mind trying to figure it out. The fact that it took me getting jealous at my best friend, who also has a crush on him, just to make things even worse, for being close to him. She renounced him but I'm pretty sure she still likes him. I want to scream at him to get out of my head, and my heart. Instead, I smile whenever he talks to me. My head and heart are at war because of you. You were not invited, Sir. I just go through the rest of 8th without thinking about your eyes, or your hair, or the fact that you are strangely photographic. And Godammit! why do you have to be so smart and funny? Why do you have to be one of the good guys? The type of guy that everyone will approve of? Can't you have one personality flaw, besides you being emotionally unreachable?
I don't know what I'm striving for at this point.
I can't decide whether to pursue him or just let the crush go.
I may have to do the cliche thing and just be friends with him.
It won't hurt....that much.
oh, how I wish for us to be closer.
I sincerely want to know more about you.
I sincerely want to be there for you, to support you, to love you.
But I just can't seem to reach you.
There's another problem.
I'm broken. Despite the smiles and laughs, you bring out from me. I have problems.
Huge problems that could stain any relationships.
for one, It's hard for me to be myself around people.
There's this outward appearance that I put out. Someone entertaining and enjoyable. Someone who can make a quirky comment about the most random things. Someone who doesn's gets tired of socializing.
I'm sorry to disappoint you but that's not me. I'm not that type of person. Not really.
I prefer quiet and comfortable silence. I'm exhausted after talking with large groups of people. I like having deep conversations rather jokes and memes. Sincere and sweet things instead of dirty jokes.
Don't get me wrong I still find joy in the funny stuff. It's just that I'm an old soul. And I have this problem called chronic anxiety that prevents me from being 100% comfortable.
It kinda goes in hand with my depression. That's another issue. My greatest fear is going back down there again. The deep and aching numbness. The bleak and sad world that crippled me. Every day I fight to stay away from that place. I avoid it like the plague. Top that off with my suicidal thoughts. Well, who would want to deal with a mess like me?
honestly, it's better for you not to like me. You would have to endure my dark times, and I don't want to put you through that.
But.... in the small chance that you did, in fact like me.
I promise to you that I would treat you with so much love.
I wouldn't just die for you, I would live for you.
I would support you in anything you want to do.
I would be your rock.
I would be myself around you.
I would tell you everything. No secrets.
And promise I would never ever hurt you.
But right now, we're still stuck within this loop of me pining for the impossible.
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