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I stand in the shower, just stand there.
Water so hot that it burns.
But it's the burn that breaks through the
numbness that radiates through me.
Through the tiny pin prick stabbing my heart feels after another day of longing and
loss.
Another day of riding my anxiety and depression like a psychotic horse to a burning stable while trying to hold myself together with pieces of scotch tape as I'm being ripped in different directions by my life.
Direction 1: Mother, future ex wife and bread winner. I love my children but I have no identity outside of Mom.
Direction 2: The newest employee who is expected to outshine and overcome everything that these assholes who have worked there for 20 years still can't.
Direction 3: Lover. He says he has feelings for me outside of sex and I know I love him. But I know this isn't going to last much longer. And my heart is breaking.
Direction 4: Disabled veteran, victim of military sexual trauma who is riddled with anxiety, depression, adjustment disorder and mood disorder.
It's too much. I've stopped feeling.
Now only the searing pain of a skin reddening shower can bring me around.
Yes, it hurts but so does wanting to die when I know my children need me... so here I stand...watching my stained soaked yesterday circle down the drain instead.
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its kinda scary
isnt it kind of scary that you can kill yourself whenever you want? i've recently gotten into cutting, and it just blew my mind that i could end my life wheneve...
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You Deserve So Much More Than Me
Every gentle touch feels like the blade that digs into your skin. You're too far gone to differentiate help from harm. And there's a part inside of you, clingin...
Think of butterfly effect. If you were removed from this world, there is a very high chance it would have a lasting effect on so many uncountable people. But what kind?
On and on...
Think of the pain you feel so often. If you do this to yourself, it could result in death or permanent injuries. These things would affect more people than you think.
You, physically.
Your children, mentally. What would they feel, from what you know of them.
Would they be scarred? Determined? Understanding? Confused? What would they do afterwards? Would they be able to move on?
Think about this. Reassess your situation. Set attainable goals to reach, which will hopefully provide bursts of pride and satisfaction. I type these words hoping that I am not to late. Praying, begging to the world and myself, that this is enough. Or as close as I can get.
I urge you to find other options, something less self destructive. You are brave in so many ways, pushing through this web of knots to live another day.
ReplyOh my gosh so crazy that the commenter above mentions the butterfly effect ^ cuz I literally had just commented that to someone else's post earlier, right before reading your post. In fact, (I suppose it can apply to any of us so) I think it'd help you too for me to just copy and paste the comment I gave right here:
"My advice is to recognize that YOU are in control of your life, no one else. If you have pain for multiple reasons, then there must be more than one way of ending it as well. Sure, killing yourself is one of 'em.. but is that really the BEST way to stop the pain?
I know what you're going through (I mean not SPECIFICALLY but we all have our struggles, basically) cuz I attempted suicide too, when I was 15. Obvioisly I didn't succeed, and now I also know that not all failures are a bad thing. Anyway two most important things that I think you should know right now are 1) Don't avoid your emotions. The only way to truly get through it is by doing just that; go right THROUGH your pain, not AROUND it. We can't bottle up all our feelings or else we'll just explode. 2) Remember like I said earlier, YOU'RE in control. Even if it doesn't feel that way, you are. Don't be fooled by this illusive life. The fact that we CAN take our own lives is proof that WE control it. Take action by putting down the blade and seeing your strengths over your weaknesses. I promise you things will get better. I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it, or didn't have evidence. I mean look at ME! Had I killed myself that night, I wouldn't be here helping YOU :D
ALL lives matter. We may not always see it, especially in these smaller ways, but considering the whole butterfly effect etc.. everything makes a difference. And everyONE makes a diff. Just think about what I've said. Of course at the end of the day, it's your body, your life, your choices (; "
P.s.
I hope you get well and feel better <3
ReplyBeing a child of parents who were emotionally unstable, I can tell you right now that loving your kids no matter how bad you feel will be greatly appreciated by them someday. I look at children as the beginning of a circle of life. We all have things throughout life that bring emotional and spiritual pain. I think being there for your children is one of the greatest things you can do. Even when it seems impossible.
ReplyThey are the sole reason I am still here. My parents are still alive and they never paid me any mind my entire life, it was almost like they were dead.
I tell my babies each and every day that they are smart, and beautiful/handsome, that they can do anything and that I love them. Because it's true. And I don't want to disappoint them by not being here to remind them how much they mean to me.
Reply