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One night after a football game was cancelled I decided to walk the whole mile home and let my brother take my friends home instead because I had needed to think. There was lightning here and there, but it didn’t bother me. The walk started off okay, I was lightly sobbing, faint tears rolling down my cheeks, but as I kept continuing farther from the school I started to inch closer and closer to the curb until I would dip into the street and stand there for a second. Realizing what was happening I would go back on the sidewalk and watch the cars pass me. I loved feeling the wind so close to me, and I would cling onto a stop sign like it was the only thing holding me up. I kept telling myself to just keep walking onto the asphalt, to accept my fate, to end everything and sleep easy forever, but something held me back. I called one of my friends that was dropped off. I was crying and couldn’t stop. I remember asking her, “Am I a good person?” after she kept asking what was wrong. Answering, she rambled on about how I helped her through a lot but I couldn’t really understand anything, I was too busy watching the cars speed by and wishing things that I shouldn’t wish for. She told me to call my brother to pick me up so I told her I would (after collapsing to the ground and not being able to breathe from crying too hard and for so long). I never did call my brother, I kept walking, but I didn’t think anything, I didn’t go by the curb, I just walked, dried tears along my cheeks, and I was hurting, and I didn’t know what to do. Eventually my mom picked me up with literally the rest of my family in the car and she yelled at me how I shouldn’t have gone out so late and how I was crying and how I didn’t tell her why and I just sat there thinking about the times she told me it was okay to feel sad and that I could trust her but hearing her yell I held it all in because she wouldn’t understand. I’d have to go back to therapy and have some random person with a PHD tell me that I’m messed and I’m wrong and I need to be fixed because I’m not normal and because I’m “too young to feel this way”. I sat there and when I got home I left the lights off, texted the people I promised I would that I was home and safe and not dead or kidnapped, or still hanging by the curb waiting for a special car to come and sweep all my pain away. I laid there and I was done crying, I was done feeling bad so I stopped feeling and I closed my eyes and soon opened them to the morning and regretted not taking a bold leap into the darkness because it all came back and soon my friends got sick of me and stopped inviting me to things so I stopped going and I stopped trying and I didn’t completely stop, but I’m still thinking about that last one.
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But, I know you'll find the way. Just go on, or start fresh, little by little.
ReplyMy heart ached just reading your words. It sounds like you have a lot of things happening. Please know (I hope!) no one is expecting you to be some Superpower person, able to do everything in life perfectly.
The fact you are feeling sad is no sign of weakness to me. It's an indication you are feeling. I think personally that is a wonderful attribute to possess!
I did cringe when you said a therapist or PhD person is making you feel like you messed up or have shortcomings or need to be fixed, etcetera. That's not (in my opinion as someone heavily involved in the mental health world myself) as what counseling should be doing. I think most of us know where we need to improve. We don't need someone beating us down in a counselor's office; instead, hopefully your support is positive, uplifting, and helpful to your needs.
I worry also how your moods and feelings are going. I would hate to see you hurt or even hurting. Sometimes people in their attempts to give help sometimes don't realize the full communications and impressions they convey. I truly feel impressed how you express yourself, even with so much honesty! I admire you for sharing how you feel.
I think with all of us we sometimes need quiet times, even times to be alone. Everything you share shows to me you are a fantastic, empathetic, loving, caring person. I hope you just be your best you. That's any of us can be anyway. Don't ever feel you have to be embarrassed or ashamed at your feelings and thoughts. We all go through times of highs and lows. It's called being a human being. Also if you feel lonely, left out, or just feeling things know those feelings too are perfectly okay. It means your life has possibilities for change and growth. Work at your comfort level and what feels right to you. These many thoughts and emotions are not bad things. Our experiences and feelings guide us as we try to make hopefully positive and helpful choices in life. I commend you so much for sharing such deeply personal thoughts and experiences. You are truly a great person. Until later.... 👱♀️
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