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Throughout all my life iv'e suffered with anxiety and over the past year its completely taken over my life. Its prevented me to go to school for about a year now and its just destroying my life. I want to live like everyone else does, and not feel the way i do and overthink every small thing that creeps into my mind. I used to have a best friend in primary and we'd do everything together, and in yr7 we were still really close until we got to yr 8 i started caring about how i looked and how other people would judge me, even though that wasn't true i couldn't get it out of my head. It was like i cared more about how other people saw me than myself. That's when i started missing days off school cause everything was too overwhelming and my anxiety was growing worse and more empowering every day. I told my closest friends about the way i felt because i needed someone to talk to, they would message me most mornings and ask if i was coming to school. Then one day they stopped, it was like they just gave up on me. And i know its my fault and iv'e let them down but it also feels like they've let me down because i needed them and they weren't there for me.They don't invite me out to places anymore like they used to and iv'e asked to meet up with one of them and they're always busy. Your probably thinking "why don't you make new friends?" but the thing is i don't want to be friends with anyone else. I don't expect them to understand or even the person reading this but i just need help to know what to do with my life i feel completely lost. I've been to cams (Collaborative Assessment and Management of Suicidality) and none of it has helped me and they refuse to subscribe me medication which is the only thing i have hope for right now. This weekend i met up with my friend that goes to a different school, i see her about once or twice a month. I used to know her from primary we were really close, then in yr6 she left, moved to Cardiff and now shes at a different school. This weekend it was her birthday and she invited me to sleepover and i met about 7 of her closest friends and they're all really nice and lively people, the sort of people i'd want to hang out with. Being around them i just felt more confident, like myself again which i haven't felt for a long time and i'd felt more comfortable being around them than i ever have with my friends from my school. And then it came to mind, would it be possible to move schools? Iv'e talked to my parents about it and they said they'd look into it. The only problem is we can't move house and i live about 20 minutes away and i'm pretty sure we have to be in the catchment area to be able to go to the school. I just thought it might be good to have a fresh start where nobody knows me i'm just worried it's too late now that i'm in yr10 but i just don't feel happy anymore and i felt happier than iv'e ever felt being around them. Its just a big step to do something like that and i don't know what best for me right now.
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