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Why didn’t you abort me then, you would have done us both a favor
5 years ago · 3 · Morning, +9 · Explicit
600
It is 4am in the morning thinking about how my homophobic family doesn't know that I'm gay, and that if they finds out I will be humiliated, more rejected that I'm already are from there part, they will say that I'm disgusted, and it hurts, just wanna be happy for ones, I can't talk with any woman about it, because the few amount of people or don't care or are disgusted by it, one of them is my bff and it hurts that I can't even talk with her about that, because she gets all awkward and tries to change the topic and I just want to talk about my crush , is it really that difficult to hear? I don't talk about feelings and stuff like that because they are hard for me to express, I rather do some writing about it. Then....Idk, my sister just hates me, she fucking hates me, she treats me like shit, I used to see her as my hero,(maybe a second mom, because my actual mom was always working when I was a kid and I get it okay, she wanted to give me the best, but the one who raced me when I was a child was my sister, she played with me, she helped me doing my HW, she used to care about me and now my mom want us to have a real relationship, but that will never happen, because it is too late, and because she will never accept who I am) but she totally hates me, she is always mad at me, when I try to be a little bit emotional with her(like an small hug , I don't like when people touch me, so it is a lot for me to give an actual hug, or just a little "I love you" or something like that) she just laugh or she gets angry, and okay she has kids, she has a husband now....but she stopped being my sister, she talks with my mom, hell she even talks with my brother (she is not pretty fond of him) , but to me ? She can't care less. My mom...well she doesn't let me out, she doesn't allow me to go outside, and if she do , it has to be before 5pm, with someone that she knows and she needs to know her/him parents too, if someone that she knows doesn't pick me I'm not allowed to go , since I'm not allowed to use public transportation unless it is for college( Yeah almost on my 20's and I can't take the bus) and I hace to call her at the time I take it, at the middle of way to my house and when I get there, since it dones't leave me in my house it leaves me on a Walmart near it. I just want to get out, to forget them, leave them behind, unfortunately...I care about them, but more about my nephews, always a big time with them....maybe just maybe my brother is the only one who actually doesn't treat me like a total failure, he suspects that I'm gay, an he has't say anything sooo...it is god enough for me, but again he usually just calls me when he needs me to take care of his boys, and I don't mind, I love them both...but it is sad. They have their own circle, my mom, sister and brother...it is because if the difference of age ? Maybe, I mean both of them are over their 30's and I'm not even on my 20's, but it just feels that I'm out, they talk about stuff of the family that I don't get, or that they don't want to share with me, because when they start talking about the attempt of man who is my father, they always shout me out, or don't allow me to ask, or just change the topic I'M BIG ENOUGH TO NOW THOSE THINGS, I know more about my father from a stranger to me, than my actually attempt of family. They talk to each other, they spent time together and they use sentences like and I quote "Come on girl , you just never want to come with us" or "Aha you are just a grinch who never come with us when we get out". Well I don't go because YOU HATE WHEN I DO, my sister told my mother the last time in front of my fucking face, "And why did she come ?" or she also says things like " Why is she here? I didn't invite her". And probably this won't be read by anyone, but feels good to rant, because sometimes I just someone to hears me out, I have feelings, maybe I don't show them a lot, but I do, and no one wants to hear it, they said that it is awkward, or that they don't talk about feelings, or just change the subject. I'm better without people apparently, and they are better without me.
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That's rough as hell, boss. I'm sorry.
ReplyFamily you're born into doesn't always end up being the family you need. You will be better with the right people. Just sometimes its not the people we want to love us back and that sucks but there is a world of people out there. Don't give up on yourself.
ReplyYou don't get to choose the life you were born into but you do get to choose what you do with it.
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