My story... (so far)

Little info about my story related to the rules of this site...

1 - ''Break the law'' It DOES imply that I've done illegal activities but NEVER encouraged it from this message. My story is not aiming to encourage anyone to do something against the law in fact anyone with some sort of common sense can understand it caused more problems in my situation.

It's been 5 years that I have been in depression.

I was a ''gamer'' kid. I used to run from school to home to have more time to use the computer. Yet I was healthy because of this. But since puberty started, things have gone horribly wrong with me. First of, I was influenced by ''a friend of mine'' or more directly the only person I ever honestly wanted to be friend with. It was my first year of secondary. He was a ''retaker'', the kind who don't give a damn about anything. At that time I found him cool, he interested me and we were in the same-kind of hobbies. The next year I had to move out. My mom wasn't able to handle the city ambiant anymore. So we went for a more campaign style. I asked her a phone for my birthday and that is from where I started becoming horrible...I never been ''normal'' diagnosed wrongly with ADHD. I tended to be selfish and antipathetic. My first mistake with the phone was truly ignorance. Left the 4G on my Samsung 24/7 on. Causing a bill of 800$ (can't specify currency due to privacy). But my lack of consciousness explained why I ''kept going''. By that I mean on Samsung, when you reach your GB limit the company with who you're associated will open up a browser link asking you to put money to get a bonus of GB access. And I don't know how many time I paid 20$ for a GB extra but I was sure addicted...In the end I made my mom a dept of 4000$. After this I was 2 years without internet. We moved like twice in the same summer came back because the first house we targeted got a better deal so we came back to my childhood-house. We found another house but the school I was supposed to go to was full for my year. So I had to take a ''transfert bus'' basically a bus that take many students out of their usual school zone to bring them to a specific one it usually take 40 minutes of transport. But anyway it was pointless, I hated that new school and I had no friends too. I messed up completely and went in severe depression. The next year, I went to the school I'm currently still in. They had laptops, a chance for me to re-contact my few friends etc. But it became a vicious circle. I never told my mom about the laptop and I was hiding it in my room. I became less and less sane. Started to do at my head. Started to ask myself questions. I missed more and more school somehow still passed. But before that I passed an insane period where I was suicidal. In that time there was a girl that was really important to me. She understood me, took care of me. She bringed me to write my suicidal letter to my mom. But there was many reasons implied for this act. I felt culpability for lying to my mom remember, I had nothing to do. To my mother view, I was hiding in the dark in my room doing nothing. For those 8 months of lies with a laptop I learned so much things about the internet. But I made horrible choices. Being stuck between living or dying I was searching for a meaning. Some use self-harm to ''feel'' alive other like me did illegal things for the rush that give you it. But being myself there wasn't much illegal things I could have done. So I went on the dark web... All I can say is that it was related to pornography. At the end of the year I ''stolen'' the laptop. It is the right word, I was supposed to bring it back but kept it. When I sent my letter the next day my mom took me to the local hospital. I told her the truth about the laptop etc. Last year, around February the cops arranged a meet up for me. They asked me questions and again told the truth. At this point my parents looked for help such as social worker etc. Was currently in a diagnosment for ASD. the cops took the laptop and destroyed it. Since the beginning of that year the school begged my parents to put in place a computer. Because of how I reacted without it.

This is pretty much my story since then..

Except that I'm lost, even if I did so many mistakes I keep making new ones...

I spent since last year the entire time trying to go too school and get used to a routine but it was helpless...

I felt empty and out of will.

I'm taking antidepressor but even if it stabilize my emotions I'm not feeling more interested in anything at all.

I'm 17 years old now and I have issues with the basics in life...

I don't wanna be the past me I want to become someone successful but I don't know if I can change alone, I don't know if I can do it alone.

PS : I wrote this while being in school and is likely not going to answer for a moment.