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My dearest XXX,
I am writing you this letter with the hopes that one day, when I look back, I will find myself in a much better, healthier, and whole place. For me to get there, I need to release my love for you into the universe and give my heart back to the only man that has always loved me and never harmed me, God.
From the moment that I first met you, I connected with you on a deeply spiritual level. Beneath my veneer of strength lay still silence, uncovered fears, and unhealed wounds. Fears that I had held onto my whole life: that I would never find love, never be worthy enough of happiness, that I was undeserving of all good things. Meeting you ignited hope that I had finally found someone that would possibly be willing to build and share a life with me; someone that would truly love me, for the first time.
When I started spending time with you and I found out that there was someone else in your life, the competitor in me decided that nothing would take me away what I truly desired. I was willing to fight for you with all that I had. Willing to bear myself open, to show you all that I was and all that I had to offer, with the hopes that you would choose me. Every single time that you lied to me about XXX, that you withheld your feelings for XXX from me, that you told me that you would not let her go, your betrayal forced me to decide whether to leave you or to keep fighting. At every stage of our journey, I chose to fight for you. I chose to fight for you because I loved you more than I loved myself. I chose to fight for you because I wanted the vision that I had in my mind of our future to come to fruition. I fought for you because I truly loved and desired you.
When I bore my soul to you and shared my darkest secrets, fears, scars and insecurities, I did so with the hopes that you would take my brokenness and somehow mend me together again. I never knew that you would take pain and hurl them as insults against me. You broke me. At the time, I didn’t realize that I was expecting you to do what only God has the power to do: to redeem me; to wash me white as snow and to make me whole again. For that, I am sorry. I am sorry that I expected a man to do that which God alone is capable of doing.
The day I found out that you married XXX behind my back killed a piece of me. I was still breathing; my life still had purpose; my body remained; yet a piece of my spirit died the day that you rejected me as your wife. In the one moment, I realized that I would never be good enough for you. That I all had to offer was not sufficient to meet your needs. The ring and pictures of kissing her on your special day spoke to me from beyond their immobile nature. They whispered that I had failed and I was not enough. If I truly knew my worth and had faith in what God had in store for my future, I would have walked away from you for good. I would have taken up my broken pieces and carried my cross, as Jesus did. I was worth more than being your concubine. I was worth more than being your mistress. I was worth more than pursuing a man that was, spiritually and earthly, taken. But because I did not love myself, I continued to fight for you. Words will express what was taken from me the day that you chose XXXX and the day that I decided to continue to fight for you. I am sorry that I compromised my values and self-worth and placed you in a position that allowed you to continuously erode my self-respect. Forgive me.
When I found out that I was having your child, for the first time, I felt as if I had won something. I viewed his life as some kind of trophy that showed that my efforts of fighting were not for nought. His life symbolized hope for us being together, having a family together, and sharing forever together. It was not until you placed your hands around my neck and in my face, that I realized that you did not value me or our unborn child in the same way that I had envisioned in my mind. I realized that I had fooled myself for years, believing that one day you would recognize my worth. I am sorry that I continued the cycle of creating unstable familial units for children, and I sincerely apologize for pressuring you to play a role that you never accepted nor wanted.
It was hard for me to let you go for those 3 years that we were apart. Although we did not speak and did see each other, I kept my body chaste, holy, pure, and my heart in the same way that you left it, all with the hopes that you would one day return and recognize the prize that awaited you. A worthy woman and a beautiful family.
When you finally returned, appearing to be ready and willing to assume your role in our lives, I welcomed you without testing your intentions. I was so blinded by my feelings and desire for you that I did not see that you came back because it suited your needs.
When you told me that your money was your own, that my money was my own, and that you were unwilling to pay for groceries the week that you left, I realized that you did not love us and that you did not view XXX and I as your own. You see, it was not the money. I had never asked you for one dollar during the entirety of our relationship. I had always willing spent my money on you. You lived in my home for free. I helped you. I loved you. I cared for you. I nurtured you. But I finally realized that you were unwilling to do the same. I finally understood that we all deserved better. Our children deserved a father that would sacrifice his all to ensure that they would not go without. A father that was willing and ready to put their needs above his own. A father that always saw their need. One willing to go beyond his limits to make sure that they were met. In that same moment, I realized that I, too, deserved better. I deserved a partner that was not afraid to give his last, so that I and the children were always okay. A partner that understood that what was mine was his, and that what was his was also mine. A partner that understood the essence of partnership and teamwork. A man that loved me enough to go without so that I would not have to. I knew that we deserved these things, because I was willing to do these things for you and our children. I realized that the man that we deserved was not you.
As I write this letter to you, it still breaks my heart that I will never be Mrs. XXX. It kills me inside to consider the years that I have wasted loving you. It pains me to know that my children will face pain because of my choices. It makes me sad that I have to start all over again. It torments my soul that I cannot get the thought, the smell, and the touch of you out of my system. It destroys me to know that I settled for so much less than I was worthy of.
When I think about us, I still feel bitterness towards you. I try daily to let go of this hurt, shame, and pain. I try my best to forgive you, to forgive myself, and to plow forward.
I wish you all the best. I hope you find your heart’s desire, even if it is not with me and your boys.
I will always love you. I will always cherish what could have been. You will always been in my heart and somewhere in the back of my mind.
My baby. My one true love. The man that I entrusted my whole heart to. I love you now and forever, even from afar.
Brokenwings
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