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I recently started cutting myself as a way to cope with my dark thoughts about life. I started small, one inch at most. Right now I cant stop and all od my left leg is covered in scars. I can no longer wear skirts or will be able to wear a bathing suit in summer. I have to bandage my leg so that I dont stain my clothes with blood. The worse part? I started over a month ago and I dont plan stopping anytime soon. The consrquences suck but those 10 minutes that I find myself cutting myself the entire world disappeara and its just be in the blade and for ten minutes my life is ok. That feeling during those 10 minutes I would not change for anything. Not even clear skin.
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Self harm is definitely addicting, but I wouldn't trade my clean status to go back to that. I have been clean for eight months.
I understand the appeal and the feeling of release from the dark moments. Self harm used to be the only way I could do that, to punish myself and feel a sense of gratitude that I exhibited control over my body. But it wasn't worth it.
The moments I spent in class hiding what I had done to myself, pretending that nothing happened in front of my parents, smiling when I wasn't happy? Those weren't worth it. It took a day for the red skin to fade, but the mental scars stay way longer. It messed my mind up. My last relapse was during mathematics class, when I received an E. I ended up crying for the entirety of recess. I can't even look at Mathematics the same way now. I got sent to the social worker because my English teacher informed on my behaviour before that. I thought nothing could help me.
Understand that times get better. I used to go through moments when I thought that tomorrow was non existent and my future was bound to be erased by a decision made by my own hands. I felt better after I tried my best to stop hurting myself. The most I went before was three months. I'm planning on making it to a year, then two, then so on. You are not helpless. You are trying to help yourself, I know that. But I hate knowing that there are people out there who are going through what I went through. I remember the urges, still, and the faint stinging in my skin happens occasionally. Stay strong.
ReplyOk, so I'm a guy and I cut myself a few times when I was in high school going through my opiate addiction...I'm just gonna say that even at the time it was a very very strange thing for me too do..I think my brain was just so messed up from the drugs I couldn't make decisions on my own and my body took over....I really like how the other person said that "it's a way for us to feel in control of our bodies", its poetically very depressing..but the sickest part was that I SHOWED just 2 people my fresh cuts and pretended it was something else and that it was cool...To me/for me, it was a cry for help, like I think most of these situations are..it seems hard and scary to ask for help in fear of being judged, but it doesn't matter if your life is on the line...Through recovery, I learned to always ask for help and to tell on myself when I felt like hurting myself or doing something I shouldnt... seek advice from close personal friends and parents, even though they might be sad at what you have to say, they will ALWAYS want to help..even if they yell, they're saying they love you
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