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How do I tell my therapist that I’ve had suicide on my mind a lot? That I’ve cut before and want to again? Keep in mind I don’t want to be hospitalized or for my parents to freak out. Also, how do I tell my therapist that I gag every time I eat something because I’m rarely ever hungry?
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Write it down, there is no point in telling her verbally when it's just not going to happen.
ReplyDo you trust your therapist? Do you trust your therapist to hear this, and be caring, and truly have your best interests at heart if you share about this stuff? That's the first thing. And if you don't trust your therapist but you think you might trust a different one, that could be a sign to find a different therapist. Either way, you can tiptoe into the conversation, or just say it, or ask questions like "how would you deal with a patient who had such-and-such situation?" to get a sense of what to expect, before you actually disclose.... you don't have to do it perfectly, therapists are trained to navigate imperfection and awkwardness (which is not to say the therapist might not also be imperfect or awkward or even downright unhelpful or worse in how they respond... they are humans too with their own issues that sometimes come up despite their training).
As for your parents freaking out -- not your responsibility. They will have their feelings, you will have yours, it is not your job to take care of them. If they are freaking out and need help dealing with their own feelings, they can bring it to their own therapy sessions. (And if they refuse to work with a therapist, that's on them too.)
As for not being hospitalized -- well, it's a risk. Therapists have legal and ethical responsibilities when they are aware of someone hurting themselves or others or being suicidal. The specifics vary state by state, and each therapist may handle a specific situation a little differently, partly based on their own skills and strengths and limits. It kind of sucks, because I think it would be really awesome to have a therapist you could talk to about ANYTHING without danger of being sent to a psych ward, but some therapists are better than others at working with sucicidiality and self-harm, and it's hard to know for sure what to expect before you disclose. but ideally, you have a good relationship with the therapist and they recognize that you're not about to do something imminently, and you can just talk about it in a regular therapy session and feel better.
Anyway, good luck to you. hang in there.
ReplyJust say it. There's no reason to be afraid to say something if you already think about doing suicide. Dying is scarier than saying some words and being hospitalized. The fact that you're saying this right here is prove that you're still scared of being dead and have hope in living in this world. I've had thought about suicide a few times too and even now I still feel like there's no point in living my life. But, I also feel there's no point in dying. Though as someone who thought about suicide too, I don't understand why would you cut yourself. Wouldn't you want to die painlessly? And why don't you want your parents to freak out? They'll freak out if you suicide so what's the point in being freaked out by the fact that you thought about suicide? They'll freak out eventually anyway. Anyways good luck to you and I think just do what you want to do with your life and thank you for saying this here. Your words make me think about lots of stuff too.
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