I don't want to quit

Every day I just want to give up. I don't have anything or anyone that makes me feel good about myself and I know that it's my own doing. I understand now that I've been hurt and I put up thick walls around me to protect myself. What I didn't know was that those walls also prevented anything positive from coming in. I know that I've been blind to things I should have addressed but was too afraid to. I know that I've been selfish. I've messed up the only life that I had here because I was afraid and there is no way I can fix it. I can't see a silver lining. I stay here only because I want him to remember me. I want to know him, help him grow. I want to protect him from the world. I know that I can't and even his mother can't, but I want to help. It's just, I've never loved anyone like this before. At the same time though it hurts so damn much to think I never will because I can't have children of my own. I even failed at a basic human function that so many people take for granted. I would give anything for that and that itself gets to me every time. But sometimes when I look at him, his smiles give me hope that it will all be okay in the end. I'm trying so hard to latch on to the last bit of life and hope that I have. How many years does it take for a child to have a lasting impression of you? At the same time, I don't want him to remember that his aunt gave up. Is it better to leave before he remembers? I don't know how to help myself out of this and I feel so stupid. This is a prison of my own creation and I don't know how to get out.