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I am so tired of everything. I am tired of waking up everyday and looking myself at the mirror. I am tired of looking at my fat body and my ugly face. I am tired of being uncomfortable in my own skin, of looking at my arms and realizing how much fatter they have gotten. I am tired of caring so much about the way I look and tired of hating myself for it. I am tired of taking off my clothes to take a shower and looking at my legs full of scars. I am tired of hating myself for these scars but then no less than a minute later making new ones. I am tired of feeling satisfaction when I see blood dripping down my leg and tired of realizing that I will probably not be able to wear skirts, shorts, dresses or a bathing suit in a year or more. I am tired of hiding who I am also tired of other people caring so much. I am tired of taking a shower and thinking how easy it could be to die. But I am tired of not being able to do it because I still care too much about people in this world to make them go through my death. I am tired of hating my family and tired of making excuses to love them. I am tired of the insults, screams and shouts that I receive from them. I am tired of the pity comments that I get and the sympathy that they think I need. I am tired of being misunderstood by them and I am tired that they think I chose to be like this. I am tired of food and everything that comes with it. I am tired of feeling guilty for eating and I am tired of being shamed for not eating. I am tired of being labeled as someone who has an eating disorder. I am tired of people saying “ just eat a little more”. I am tired of not being able to eat a full meal without thinking about the consequences. Without having an urge to exercise for 5 hours and not eat for a complete week. I am tired of fighting with myself so that I can eat and tired for pretending that I do eat. I am tired of lying to everyone about my eating habits and I am tired of the same response over and over again. I am tired of school. I am tired of doing well and people taking that as an equivalent of me being ok. I am tired of teachers assuming that because I get good grades that my life is perfect. I am tired of people thinking that all I care about is school and that everything that I do is school related. I am tired of people thinking that I am ok because I am clearly not. But I am also tired of trying to explain my problems and tired of people trying to fix me in the wrong ways. I am tired of every person in this life and I am tired of their comments. I am tired of ignorant conversations that make me want to die a little bit more every time. I am tired of not being able to go into a department store without having a panic attack. I am tired of having panic attacks and lying about them. I am tired of my parents thinking that my panic attacks are made up and that I just wish to not do things for them. I am tired of the sensation that I can’t breathe or not feeling my legs. But most of all I am tired of being disappointed that every time I find a way to breathe again. I am tired of myself, of thinking the way that I do. I am tired of alcohol because it makes me feel so good just to make me feel worse the day after. I am tired that people will never understand why I shouldn’t be able to drink and tired that I will fall into their vices because for them its just having a good time and for me it can be deadly. I am tired that my parents are drunk or high or both all the time and I have no way of explaining it to anyone else without sounding exaggerated. I am tired of being watched over more carefully just because the school counselor decided to open her mouth. I am tired that people care so much about me because I don’t see why they do. I am just tired of opening my eyes and finding that I am alive. I am tired of breathing and moving. And after i write all of this i realize if I am so tired why do I keep going? When did we decide that if we had a million things gone wrong and one gone right we had to keep going. I always heard people say that you had to cut off toxic things, people, places. What if the toxic thing in my life is life itself. Why is it so bad to want to cut it off as well?
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Because there is life for you..there really is. You cut because you have so much emotional pain that the physical pain feels like a relief because it takes your emotional pain away as you put focus on the physical . The sad part about that is...the emotional must be pretty bad... I hope you find a way to deal and face the emotional...so you don't need to harm anymore ..
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