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My brain and body need to make a pact- lie to my heart and tell it none of this has happened. But my stomach feels like lead and my mind is racing and somehow blank at the same time. And so, my heart knows. It always does and still it beats along, always a little too fast.
I keep typing and backspacing. Typing and backspacing. Feels much like my life. Here's to pretending last night didn't happen. Here's to telling myself l didn't pour my heart out in a letter and send it to the wrong person. Here's to telling myself I didn't just waste a year of my life wanting something so hard with no proof that it might actually happen. I do that sometimes- think I can just will things into being. I guess because sometimes it works.
Ah well. Either way, the jig is up. My heart knows what my head knows. And there is no lying my way out of the pain.
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