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*By anonymous.*
For a number of years now I have been partaking in a particularly self-destructive habit and unfortunately still am, though I am hoping to break it. Around 5 years ago I got into a cycle where I became addicted to going on my phone and would stay up until the early hours of the morning on it. First it would be until 12am, then not before too long it was a regular occurrence where I would stay up until 2am on any given school night. This became progressively worse and before long it was becoming a regular thing that I was getting 3 hours or less of sleep. At the time of writing this, by my calculations I have accumulated the equivalent of at least 190 days of sleep debt but it is probably much much worse. In part I could say this is fuelled by my addictive personality but that should be no excuse. It was an extreme weakness on my part and I gave in to something which gave me temporary gratification.
One horrifying result of my sleep deprivation was that it started leading me to ‘switch-off’, so to speak where I would not care about anything for days or weeks at a time. During these periods I would become severely burnt out to the extent that I had no energy during the day and would often times nearly fall asleep during the day. This was particularly detrimental to my school work as I got into a state of self-deceit and delusion that I could magically catch up on hours spent not doing homework, revising for exams or doing coursework. It got so bad for example that I believed I could finish a whole art project in the space of a night with a deadline being the next day. And if I did meet deadlines it was barely and to a very poor standard that just allowed me to scrape by. I have always been a procrastinator but this magnified that to absolute extreme. It put a strain on the relationship with my family and I became a compulsive liar in an effort to cover up my slipping grades.
When my parents did eventually find out it was too late for them to help me and it drew a wedge right between them and me.
I was exceedingly selfish and it brought out the absolute worst in me. I developed traits I would now describe again to sociopathy. I had little sense of empathy for my actions at the time nor did I seem to recognize what I was doing was damaging to myself and my relationships with others. I began to withdraw from the world and simply put lacked any interest in maintaining close relationships so I withdrew as well in that sense. Another trait was also me becoming increasingly deceitful as I would lied with little effort to try and cover up the fact that I was failing as well as being late to school. I became incredibly compulsive staying up late at night on my phone and binge watching the latest show I became hooked on as my fix. Sometimes it could also be social media but it wasn’t always. Then there was the fact that I also lacked any responsibility for financial obligations and would be very impulsive for example, I swindled my savings impulse purchases for items I did not really need. In the end this only. In short I wasted two years of my life and in the end I was forced to drop out.
Physically my severe lack of sleep has caused me so many health problems. All of which I acknowledge are down to my pure stupidity. There are so many changes I can note. First and foremost how it affected my body’s ability to heal itself. From taking well over a month to recover from a cold it took my peers barely a week to recover from to having a near permanent cold sweat. Another consequence being when I lie down at night I can no longer breathe properly facing chest down trying to get to sleep at night and it takes months for me to heal from even the smallest cut which now always leaves a permanent scar. My hair also began to fall out in droves and I began to notice an increase in gray hairs even though I am still too young at 19 years old. At night I often get a flickering in my eyes which dosen’t stop and have poor circulation.
When it comes to mental health I have seen a huge decrease in my ability to function and get by. I frequently have misunderstandings with people about situations and scenarios leading to lots of miscommunication. I also have become socially unaware and cannot always read people’s body language which also leads to miscommunication. My language comprehension has suffered significantly as quite often will forget how to pronounce words and often second guess myself when speaking aloud. Several times a day I will get sentence structure wrong which I used to get right. I now suffer from extreme anxiety attacks which will come on at random. I also formed emotional detachment when it comes to people and animals. – Such as where it came to my pet rabbit. I failed to look after him and once went 3 weeks without cleaning him out. That really haunts me.
When it comes to the specifics I could make a long list of countless more points as to how my severe lack of sleep has further affected my physical and mental health over the years. – However, if I am to sum it up briefly lack of sleep has made me a ticking time bomb. I am a heart attack or a stroke waiting to happen. I have been tired for so long that I no longer think I can say I know what it feels like to be awake.
And I acknowledge that by not putting my name on this article I have committed an act of cowardice. I am too afraid to reveal those specifics as I admit I am afraid. I am deeply ashamed for what I have put anyone through and sorry for any distress I have caused to my family, friends and teachers over the years. And from a teenager to anyone out there reading this, I strongly urge you to discipline your children or whomever you know has a problem, when it comes to phone usage because I would hate for what has happened to me to happen to you or someone else. If you or someone else you know has a problem please seek professional help and make sure yourself or them is held accountable.
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You are very brave to tell us your story. You are very strong to survive all of this hell. It sounds like it takes a lot of effort.
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